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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

An Ode to Maddie

My mom sent this to me today and her timing couldn't be better. Last night I honest-to-goodness YELLED at my friend's girlfriend because I'm tired of her complaining about my dog and calling her a piss-squatter. Y'know what? I don't like you one bit either. But I digress. Let us continue with the list-

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why it's called "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot -- better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
Eat less
Don't ask for money all the time
Are easier to train
Usually come when called
Never drive your car
Don't hang out with drug-using friends
Don't smoke or drink
Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
Don't wear your clothes
Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Need I say more? Oh yes, may I once again address the girlfriend I don't really like? Well, one time Maddie tinkled a tiny bit on your boyfriend's lap before you came over. And then you came over and put your head in it and he didn't tell you.
Take that.

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