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Monday, April 06, 2009

Where to begin?

Even after a lovely General Conference, I still feel a bit deflated.

It isn't that the speakers were not inspired to offer wonderful counsel... it's more like... because they know things aren't getting better any time soon for the economy, they could only advise us to be upbeat and to stay positive in the midst of this recession.

I was kind of hoping for a sneak peak into how long I have to wait this thing out. This thing being Kev's seemingly endless unemployment streak.

And while I know that the attitude I choose will make a world of difference, sometimes I feel I don't actually have the power to choose my attitude. It's like the wiring in my brain is misfiring and I can't stop myself from having nervous breakdowns every couple of days.

In Jr. High, when my mom decided that my attitude was out of my control, she sent me to counseling. My parents had just separated, my house had just burned down, Jr. High was a difficult transition... and the list goes on. In retrospect, I think I was just angry about a lot of things and didn't have an outlet for working through those feelings.

At that time, I felt counseling didn't help. It made me more angry because I felt I was being forced to do one more thing that I didn't want to do. I can't even remember how long I went, but I was glad when it stopped. I felt like everyone was making all my choices for me. And even if I wasn't in a place to make my own choices with my best interests in mind, I still resented it. If I wanted to be unhappy, why couldn't I just be unhappy? Why did I have to do one more thing that made me feel so different from all my friends?

In college, my depression started to take over again. I had a really great support system and I managed to work things out on my own for the first couple of years. But as room mate situations escalated out of control and boys broke my heart, I decided I needed to take advantage of the counseling services offered to students at the university. It was probably one of the best decisions I ever made, and not just because I got anti-depressants for free. It was after I started counseling that I found myself in an amazing social circle that led to long-term friends I still have to this day.

I stopped the counseling and the anti-depressants at the beginning of 2005. I met Kev that summer. Things were great.

And things have continued to be mostly great since then. But with everything that's happening, I can tell that I've lost the ability to make my brain work the way that I need it to in order to function.

I have an appointment this Friday to start counseling with LDS Family Services. While it isn't really something I can afford financially (they don't accept my health insurance), I made the decision that it's easier to preemptively treat depression than it is to treat it after a complete mental/emotional break down. So it'll be money well-spent when all is said and done. I've checked for other options that accept my insurance, but they're mostly available in SLC, which defeats the purpose of trying to save money. I'd have to take time off work and drive there, which costs more than an uninsured session in Ogden with Family Services.

The only down side (besides cost) is that I'm not allowed to take time off in May (my company practically puts us on lock down during student move out/move in months) so I probably won't be able to have another session until June. I'm just hoping that they'll like my brand of crazy enough to allow me to meet with a psychiatrist to prescribe anti-depressants pronto.

Kev is a bit weary of anti-depressants, but I'm sure he'll come around when he no longer has to console me as I sob about everything. He'll probably appreciate it when I start doing the dishes and laundry and cleaning again too.

I debated whether or not to share this publicly, but it all boils down to the fact that I usually don't beat around the bush here. I know that you, my readers, aren't dumb. And it was probably pretty obvious that I needed to do something to adjust my outlook.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

8 comments:

  1. Well, I think that it's pretty brave of you to talk about this, even though you don't beat around the bush on your blog. I think the fact that you are proactively seeking help says alot about who you are, and one of the main things it says to me is that you're a pretty tough cookie. I hope that you will be feeling right as rain soon, my dear!

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  2. I admire your ability to share this. It is hard to be where you are and I admire your ability to look at the big picture. I did not realize we had as much in common as we do. I will tell you that LDS family services is amazing and will help. If you talk to your bishop they can help out with costs with a lower rate or other options. I will keep you guys in my prayers.

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  3. Bless you for so courageously sharing what you're going through. There are a lot of us out there who struggle with depression and we may not be as brave or articulate about it as you are. By talking about the positive steps you're taking, you help us all. Thank you.

    Please know you're not alone. We're all rooting for you.

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  4. Thanks for talking about this. Just a little observation that I have is that you are a happy person, and that experiencing depression is definitely something that would happen to any normally happy person going through what you're going through. you handle things in life so well. I admire you so much for recognizing when some extra help may be needed. I just hope that you know that you are definitely not in the wrong to do this, and that anti-depressants are a huge blessing. I miss Weber for their awesome counseling and free "stuff". If you need any recommendations for types of meds :) let me know. Love ya Liv and yes we are all rooting for you.

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  5. i've been on anti-depressants for years. its nothing to be ashamed or worried about. also, since you are a school employee could you use their counseling services? i'm sure you've already thought about that so im just talking nonsense. anyways, i hope that things start looking up. when i feel like nothing is working out right and im completely helpless, i go and read Romans 8:18. please read it. love you.

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  6. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I really hope things start to get better — through counseling or whatever. My family struggles big time with depression so I sympathize with what you're going through on a general level. I've been lucky not to be one of those who has been hit really bad, but I have had some rough times, especially during my first year of school at USU. I barely even remember a period of about six weeks from that winter ... I think I've blocked it.

    By the way, the commenter above was right — you can talk to your bishop and might be able to get some financial help for LDS Family Services.

    You're not alone. I'm sure you feel that way, but so many struggle with this. I'll be praying for you — that you see the light at the end of the tunnel (very) soon. Hopefully it being spring will start to help. :)

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  7. I love you. You are brave, and you are going to get yourself back. You're just too great to be lost!

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  8. It certainly isn't anything to be afraid of! I understand that to a degree it may make people feel uncomfortable, but rest assured that I won't go into great detail about anything.

    I just think that in general, people need to be okay with this topic, and since it's a part of my life I can't ignore anymore, it's on the blog. Which, I guess, actually makes it more "real" for some people.

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