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Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Just another day in paradise.

I used to have a friend with a sass-master attitude. If you were talking and she was tired of listening she'd look you in the eye, wave her hand and say "you're done."

I loved it.

But you know what? That's how I feel right now. Done.

I am so done working at this job.

I am so done worrying about whether or not Kev will ever find a job.

I am so done wondering when we'll finish important projects around the house.

I am so done with everything.

The only problem is that my decision to be done with everything doesn't make a difference. Life doesn't stop being sucky just because I've decided I've had enough.

Kev has been out of work since December. That's a lot of time. And if one more person tells me "it'll be okay" or "at least you don't have kids so it's easier" or "I just know he'll find something," I will wave my hand in your face and tell you you're done. I simply cannot hear those phrases anymore.

I have officially given up hoping for things to get better. It is taking up too much energy. Energy that I need in order to survive every insufferable day at a job I hate. Energy that I need to teach Pilates two nights a week. Energy I need to buy groceries, make dinner, do laundry, walk the dog, vacuum, mop, and basically function day-to-day.

My therapist advises me to look beyond the reality that I believe exists and instead try to see real reality. She told me that while it may feel like nothing will ever change, there has never been an instance when life didn't change.

Since when is change for the worse better than no change at all?

5 comments:

  1. i wish you lived closer because i would just come over and do your laundry and clean your house and make dinner! (im serious, too!)

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  2. Whenever we get ready to see a movie we've never seen before, Caleb psyches himself up - to hate it. He tells himself (and sometimes me) that it's going to be a dumb movie, that he'll hate it. That way, if he does, he's not surprised, and if he likes it, well, he's pleasantly surprised.

    I don't agree with his method, but it works for him. I sit down to watch a movie with a blank slate. No expectations. If I hate it, I hate it. If I like it, I like it. Either way, I saw something new and it killed an hour or two.

    I like your approach. Reality. Come what may. And I really do believe it will get better.

    ...and "I'm done". :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Slow Loris, Liv. Slow Loris.

    Also, the movie "As Good As It Gets".

    That is all.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i had a friend who was the same way -- "annnnnnd you're done" followed by a sweet hand gesture that i cannot seem to find the words to explain. but it was awesome. she always made me laugh a lot when she'd say it.

    i know it's so silly because we've never actually met, but i feel like we've been friends all along. and i think you are so brave + tough in spirit. annnnnnnd i'm done :D

    ReplyDelete

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