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Friday, June 05, 2009

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows... everything that's wonderful is what I feel

I have a private blog that I write just for myself. I've been keeping it since October or so. It is a dark place to reflect on. When I had to write but didn't want social workers (or my mom) knocking on my door because of my crazy, I wrote on that blog.

I haven't written anything on it for a few weeks now. I've been sharing some of my more personal battles on this regular blog and I feel it's been a sufficient recap of my transition from being a zombie to being a real person again.

Can I tell you how it feels to be a real person again? I no longer cry in the shower every morning. I no longer sit at my desk feeling like the whole world is plotting against me. I no longer have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and have a break down during the day. Going to church doesn't make me feel worse anymore. Actually, working with the little ones in the nursery program has been so good for me.

I don't crawl into bed as soon as I get home. I don't lose my temper as much. I can get through my chores and errands without anxiety. I can have a conversation with Kev that doesn't involve the words: "I. Can't. Do. This. Anymore."

I feel light. I once again feel hopeful for the future.

That's the most important part. And it's what my therapist tried to help me understand. There is never a time in life when things don't change. Things will always change. It just takes time.


  1. That is awesome! I am so glad that things are looking brighter for you.

  2. Oh LIV!! You are such an amazing strong person and I am so happy you are feeling better again. :)

  3. :)

    I tried to "like" this. And then I realized I wasn't on Facebook. (Wow. Has life really become THIS controlled by Facebook??) So all you can get is a smiley face. Hope that'll do!

  4. I'm so happy life is looking up for you. Things weren't sounding so good for awhile there.

    On another note, it's interesting that you've kept that other blog. I've thought about doing that for certain issues in my life, but have never summoned the energy to start it up. Was it good for you to write about all of that stuff? Or do you think it just exasperated all of those feelings? Just wondering...

  5. Thanks for sharing your encouragement friends!

    Em- at the time I wrote, it was a relief to get the words out. I felt like I couldn't burden anyone else with my feelings. I knew they weren't rational. But I had to get them OUT of my head.

    Looking back on it is helpful too. I don't want to feel like that again. I want to recognize the thoughts if they come back. I'll deal with them more promptly if they come back.

    It was worth the effort.

  6. Hey hun...just so you know, you're not alone. I've been battling personal demons all my life, and it took me nearly 25 years to realize what they were, what caused them, and what I could do about them. Keep your chin up, and endure to the end. I know you'll make it. *HUGS*

  7. Oh P.S. I'm not sure if this links me to my name (Ashley Merrill) so yeah...that's who this is lol.
    P.P.S. I have a blog that I started in 2003 after a nasty's something I did for myself, and I share with very very few people. However, if you're interested in seeing it (sometimes it helps to know that people have got through the same things you have, and come out the other side okay), feel free to ask me, and I'll send you a link.

  8. Thats such a great idea to keep a private blog so you can write how you are feeling. I finally decided to make our blog private, sometimes it does freak me out to think just anyone could be looking at our stuff. Please send me your address so I can invite you to continue reading it. Im so happy that you feel hopeful again, Im sorry times have been rough but I hope they continue to get better.

  9. You are a really good egg. You should know that. I have felt like you have at times as well so I'm glad I'm not the only one and you have no idea how much better that makes me feel! Thanks Livvy! I'm so glad we are friends even if it is via blog most of the time!


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