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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Perspective

For a long time, I wanted to start a family with Kev. I think I spent about a year with a broken heart as I happily shared joy with my friends as they added children to their marriages. I was so happy for each friend, but I had to turn around and cry into my pillow at night while I waited my turn.

Timing just wasn't on my side for quite a while. Our Pink House was not ready for a growing family for a long time. We were always dealing with one project after another that seemed too overwhelming to me. Kev's employment situation has not been ideal for the last couple of years, and it kept me working at a job that I hated. That felt like the most vicious irony to me- I was working a job I hated for the insurance we needed to start a family. But because I was the one with insurance at a job I hated, it wasn't the right time to have a family. I was so unhappy and miserably depressed. I wasn't fostering a child-friendly environment at home because of it. I needed to get healthy before our family could grow.

I never saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I never thought I'd find a job better-suited to me. A job that paid enough and offered insurance. A job that would be flexible with my schedule if the time came for me to be a mom.

Turns out, once I made the choice to take better care of myself, life started getting better. Shortly after adding therapy and anti-depressants into my life a job opportunity literally fell into my lap. My co-worker came in to say goodbye and tell me about his new job. He left my office promising to talk to his new boss about a possible position for me. Shortly after that, I had a successful interview and was hired on the spot. Shortly after that, I left a job that hurt my heart and soul and moved on to a company that told me (in my interview) that when the time came for me to be a mom, it would become their priority for me. When I eventually told my boss I was expecting, he told me that being a mother is the most important thing I will ever do with my life.

Getting to this point has not been easy. Along the way I could not imagine that this would ever happen for me and Kev. We're still uncertain about his employment situation, but at least we know that I have a job I'm welcome to return to after baby is born and I'm ready to re-enter the workforce. It isn't the ideal situation for me, but I am so grateful to have a job that cherishes and promotes family. I know that I won't be punished at work for being a mom first and an employee second.

Even though right now I don't see how it's possible for me to work part-time or less so I can care for my little pilates buddy, I know it's all about perspective. I don't know where life will take Kev in the next few months. Perhaps he'll finally get the opportunity he deserves and I'll be able to be the primary care-giver instead of the primary bread-winner. I just don't know. And while it kills me to have such an uncertain future, I have no choice. I have to wait. I have to pretend it'll all be okay. I have to somehow understand the fact that God's timeline for me does not always correspond with my timeline for myself. After all, He knew when it would be best for me and Kev to expand our family. It makes sense now, but for the year that I cried and hollered about not being ready it didn't make any sense.

Every day will be different. Some days I won't worry about who's going to care for baby when I go back to work full-time. I won't worry about Kev's career future. I won't worry about post-partum or breast-feeding or Maddie adjusting to her little sibling. Some days I'll just cry with gratitude that I've been entrusted with this new person. I'll be grateful that my body is healthy and strong and still doing pilates despite my expanding waistline. I'll do nothing but count my blessings some days.

It's all about perspective.

7 comments:

  1. That is a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing. I am sure something will work out for Kevin. Look at us. Matt has had as many jobs as we have had cars, possibly more. It is so surprising how Heavenly Father makes everything work out for our good in the end. I do have to remind myself of that a lot though. Good luck. I am so happy for you to have a cute little baby.

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  2. You are going to be beautiful parents, and I know things will work out. I don't know that they will work out with rainbows and roses and Ensign stories, but they will work out. Breakdowns are ok, and so are some days with nothing but happiness and gratitude. Love you!

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  3. I kinda know what you mean about having to wait to have kids but for different reasons. I made the choice to go to school and then start our family, which I will never regret. Yes it was hard and sad while all my friends had kids and I am now the last one. But we couldnt be happier.

    Thats great you have such a good job and things are working out. Thats great about the diapers. We only ended up buying 1 box of each size but there the big boxes you get at Costco just so we dont have a ton of extra diapers left over. But it is definitely nice to buy things while you have the money thats why we decided to buy diapers now.

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  4. It's an amazing thing to have a baby! That's exactly how my life has felt the past few years! Full of uncertainty, joy, frustration, etc. It's difficult, but having my girls has been the best thing in the world. I've learned you have to take everything one day at a time otherwise it's too much. Matt is back in school for degree #2, and then hopefully he will have a more certain job as well when it's over. Good luck to Kev in his job. I know how hard and frustrating that is.

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  5. Wow, talk about good timing.

    I don't shy around with the fact that I'm bummed I can't be a mom right now due to our financial situation, me being unemployed... I talked to a long-time friend yesterday and found out she is expecting her second child. She got married a year after me, and will have 2 kids before I even have one. I am so happy for her, but I wont deny that it hurts my heart.

    I have to keep reminding myself that it will all happen when it is suppose to happen. And this post helped me remember that. Thank you!

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  6. Liv, thank you. My heart aches this week and this, was exactly what I needed this week. I admire your strength and faith. How blessed you are and how blessed you will be.

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  7. Hello! I found your blog and this post was amazing! It's funny how perspective can change attitudes so quickly. Thank you for the reminder :) Life is not always easy, but like that quote says, it is DEFINITELY worth it! Thanks again!

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