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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Perhaps I'm not cut out to be a parent.

Last Friday, Kev left for work at his usual time. I was lucky enough to get back into bed at 9:30 after feeding Aspen for the umpteenth time. We snoozed until 11. It was marvelous!

Then, Kev came home again mid-morning after yet another feeding. It would have been great to see him except he told me he'd be working in the SLC area the rest of the day and would be staying there after work so he could attend some family reunion stuff.

That's when I dropped to the floor and starting crying in the fetal position.

I love that we can afford to have me stay home right now with Aspen. There's a number of reasons why this is such a blessing. However, I very much look forward to Kev getting home from work after being home alone with her for 9 hours. She's really cute and all, but I can only hold her for so many hours during the day before I start to feel the effects of flat-out exhaustion.

So when Kev informed me he didn't know what time he'd be home, I almost lost it. The day stretched out before me with no end in sight. I don't do well with uncertainty.

I spent a lot of hours holding Aspen to fend off the crying. She doesn't just whimper and make me feel badly; she screams. Even after giving her gas drops. Even after trying to massage the gas out of her body. Even after feeding her. Sometimes, babies just cry. And to stop it, this baby likes to be held. I swaddle her, I swing her, I put her in her vibrating chair... and sometimes it just doesn't work.

Holding an infant non-stop all day does something to my brain... like, make it CRAZY. It's impossible for me to pee while holding an infant. It's also hard to make food and eat said food. It's also just plain tiring, especially after an incomplete night's sleep.

To combat the crazies, we took a drive between feedings. She cried most of the way. I had hoped she would sleep instead. When I got home I fed her and tried to soothe her to sleep on the couch. It worked for about 20 minutes before the screaming started again. So we took a 45 minute walk. She started screaming again the minute I took her car seat off the stroller.

That's when I started crying too. It was already 8:30pm and Kev hadn't yet made plans to head home. I love love love this baby girl. I do. She is healthy and beautiful and a blessing. But I am so tired. Sometimes I just want Kev to hold her while I brush my teeth and change my nursing bra and stuff my face full of something nutritious rather than a s'mores poptart.

I'm so glad I'm not a full-time single-parent.


  1. I was talking to Josh about this the other day. I couldn't even IMAGINE being a single parent with a baby. I'm sorry it's rough right now. Isn't Gail here yet? I wish you lived closer to us so we could help out... :/

  2. I cant even imagine what it would be like being a full time single parent. And of course you love them so much but it is very hard & wearing having to hold them all the time. Im sorry thats all you can do to make her happy. I always look forward to when Shad comes home because that means I get a little bit of a break.

  3. My first baby (James) would cry a lot, even after I tried to feed him and rock him and put him in the swing or bouncer. I didn't seem to matter what I did, he would still cry. I finally would just put him in his room and close the door and let him cry it out. I knew there was nothing I could do to make it stop. It was horrible listening to him cry forever, but at least I could lay down for a few minutes or eat something!

  4. Wow. This could have been a journal entry from me with my first 11 years ago. My first also cried ALL THE TIME and loved being held. That was just his personality. I was shocked when my second was born and I could put him down and he would happily just lie there! I also remember being traumatized if my hubby couldn't come straight home from work. My oldest is now 12 and I would NEVER want to relive his first year of life. You are NOT alone. You ARE normal!

  5. Livia, please know that you can call me any time and I'll come over and hold her or even take her for a few hours so you can rest, I know your mom is here now, or will be soon but please I would love to help if I can. I know how hard it is.

  6. Oh Liv, I am so sorry. I read my last blog again and I think I sounded pretty stupid like I have the most perfect baby and that it is a piece of cake! So not true. I remember feeling like you! I was just really sad a lot and I just could not wait until Scotty got home.

    PS- I was talking to a girl in my ward, she has a 3 month old and her baby is and always has been very difficult and colicky. HOWEVER, she said she bought this thing online called the miracle blanket. It's a swaddling blanket and apparently it's incredible! Her baby freaking started sleeping through the night almost as soon as she got it! So maybe check it out? I'm thinking about it too.

  7. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry. I would love to come over and hold her for you. Matt is leaving again, so let me know when I can.

  8. you've heard of the magic 6 week mark? when the fussiness peaks and ends? i know it's so tiring (but yeah for 6 hours! and yes, sorry, i'm behind...) and it seems endless, but i promise you it WILL end. the constant crying, the exhaustion. things just get better and easier and more manageable. i was just talking with my friend bridgette last night about this very thing, that when you're in the moment with your first, it seems endless. you can't imagine it will ever be different. i felt so anxious about getting wy on a schedule, and looking back i think, why was i so worried?! i barely remember it! it seems like a blip. gone before i knew it, and he didn't sleep fully through the night until 8.5 months. it seems like ages ago. i don't want to sound patronizing at all, and i hope i don't, i just wanted to let you know that it will pass more quickly than you realize.

    i'm so glad you got to get out of the house tonight! that is amazing to me. i was way too scared to do that until he was what...5 months? even then it was with my mom for like, 3 hours tops. i'm a total wuss. :) i hope it's fantastic!

  9. Been there. Find myself there all over again with two babies now. Somehow we make it through...

    I found your blog through Networked Blogs... then realized I know Kevin. Hey Kevin, what's up.


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