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Monday, August 16, 2010

Time heals all wounds.

I keep saying that I NEVER want to do this again. "This" being have a newborn. Everyone thinks I'm joking. Everyone says it gets better and before I know it I'll be baby hungry again.

Um. We'll see. Kev and I may be the only Mormons in Utah who have just one child. On purpose.

Sure, Aspen is cute and she's only 3 weeks old and it'll get better. But that doesn't mean I want to put myself through this again.

I'm unable to increase the dosage of my anti-depressants because it would make Aspen more lethargic. My half dose is doing pretty well, but I do feel myself losing it occasionally, in a my-baby-is-not-in-danger-and-I'm-losing-it-at-a-normal-level kind of way.

When your baby won't eat, life is complicated. She won't eat from me or from a bottle for significant periods of time. By "significant" I mean more than 5 minutes. That means she's missing the high-calorie milk that comes after a few minutes of nursing. She screams when Kev tries to feed her a bottle. Because of her reluctance to eat, she's on the watch list at her pediatrician's. I have to take Aspen in weekly to gauge weight gain. She's at the low end, having only gained 4 ounces in 8 days at her last visit.

It's frustrating, to say the least. The less she eats, the less I produce. Which wouldn't be a big deal if she'd take a freakin' bottle! She won't eat formula or expressed milk. Eating for only a few minutes at a time also means that she decides she's hungry again in an hour. Which results in me or Kev spending at least an hour trying to soothe Aspen before I'll let her attempt to eat again. I refuse to feed her every hour. Mama needs some space, kid!

I am trying to appreciate this stage of Aspen's life. I'm taking photos of all her cute poses. I'm telling Kev to "come look!" at the little thing she's doing. I'm dressing her in the 5 outfits that fit her at this point and oohing over how adorable she looks. I slow down when Kev and I bathe her and make it an experience and not just a chore. I talk to her while she attempts to nurse. I blow raspberries on her tummy even though it has yet to elicit a response. I kiss her cheeks and ruffle her hair.

On the flip side, I'm so glad that she's getting older every day. Soon she'll be one month old. And I'm relived because that means I will have survived four weeks. And in another four weeks she'll be two months. And maybe by then she'll be eating better. In another four weeks after that she'll be three months. And she might be rolling around, and her head will be less floppy.

I don't think I'm a newborn baby kind of person. I think I'm an older baby kind of person. Sure, it's partially hormones and lack of sleep talking, but I truly have no desire to have a newborn again. If I change my mind, then yes, you're all so smart and you can say you told me so and blah blah blah. But as of right now, if I ever get baby hungry again I plan to adopt a french bulldog.


  1. I'm with you. I am definitely NOT a baby person. I would only have another kid if I could somehow get a ready-made toddler.

  2. I am 31 weeks with my first and I already feel this way. I think my husband and I will join your Utah, Mormon, 1 baby club. I already know I'm not a baby person in addition I hate pregnancy, and by the time I get my body back I don't know if I could mentally have another child.

  3. time DOES heal wounds, but i don't think anyone will say "i told you so". if they do, smack 'em. :) don't even think about another one yet. i decided i'd wait to think about it until he was sleeping through the night, which wasn't until 8 months, and then i didn't get around to thinking about it until his year mark. which was just when we decided on length between babies. i have to keep reminding myself that when we do have another baby, wyatt will be a whole 9-10 months older, which is HUGE in growth and ability. and that all babies are different, wy was a great eater, but a horrible sleeper, and maybe next time it will be different?

    has your doc checked for tongue tie? sometimes that happens and severely hinders feedings. and i might be slightly behind (my google reader is HUGE at the moment) but have you seen a lactation consultant again? is it latch, or does she just fuss after a few minutes and want to be done?

    just keep repeating, it'll get better, it'll get better, it'll get better. one more day and night is another day and night closer to change.

  4. I hear ya. I just had my second (8 weeks this Thursday! Yes, I am counting the days and weeks), and my husband and I frequently say, "Two's good. Two's a lot, right?" I know it will get better, as it did with the first one, but it is hard to have perspective when one is sleep-deprived and generally suffering from insanity. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm sorry Aspen is not eating -- I can't imagine how frustrating (and hellish) that would be. Knowing it will get better does help a little; I just think it would be nice to know WHEN. Good luck! I enjoy reading your blog.

  5. I hope it gets better soon (the feedings) My sisters babies both ate very small amounts and frequently, her babies eat almost every hour to two and only eat a few ounces at a time. It didn't matter what she did they never did more, and they have always been on the small side, but they are healthy and developing normal, I am not trying to say it will never get better but some babies are just that way, but I do hope for your sake that she gets a better hang of it. Also there is NOTHING wrong with one baby, you know what you can handle and if that is all why have more?

  6. Your honesty (and that of the commentators above) is refreshing. It makes me so happy when women are allowed to admit things like, "I don't adore every little thing my newborn does and I hope she grows up quickly." There's nothing wrong with it, but for so long, it felt like heresy to say anything negative about the pregnancy/birth/baby experience.

    Hang in there. You're right - newborns are boring and wayyyy too much work for such little payoff. But once she starts crawling and interacting, life will be better!

  7. Having a newborn is great birth control! It does get easier, but it takes time. It's so hard. I hope things work out for you sooner than later. I had the same problem with Julie when I was breastfeeding. She wouldn't eat long enough to get the good milk, and the lactation consultant said to switch sides after every feeding, so in the end she never got the good milk and was extremely cranky! I feel for you! I seriously wondered how I was going to get through everything. In the end I turned to the internet and the LLL and fed her from the same side for 2 feedings to help her get the hind milk. After a little while she was a lot less fussy. I read they get gassy when they don't get the hind milk. That's what worked for her and my sanity. I'm not saying that's what you should do, but it helped me to hear how other people got through it when I was struggling so hard.


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