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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Don't hate me for being selfish.

A lot of people I know have recently had babies. I love it. It's wonderful. I enjoy looking at photos of the newborns and seeing how happy mom and dad are that their little one is finally here safe and sound.

And this is the part when I'm selfish and you can judge but I hope you won't.

I'm jealous of these new parents. NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY but because they have their baby placed on their chest at the moment s/he is born and they get to be like, hey baby welcome to the world!

When Aspen was born, the first thing I saw was her butt as she was placed on my stomach. Once Kev cut her umbilical cord, she was gone. That was it. I couldn't even see her from my hospital bed as she was cleaned up because my stupid IV stand was in the way.

I had to ask a nurse to move it, and right as Aspen was being prepped to leave for the NICU I had to ask to hold her for the first time (but at least I did get to hold her and didn't have to wait five hours like poor Kev).

I am blessed to have Aspen, period. But there's a longing to have that opportunity back. The opportunity to be one of the first people she saw when she opened her tiny eyes. The opportunity to let her feel my heartbeat again (I'm sure she missed hearing it after she popped out!).

Perhaps you understand what I'm talking about. Perhaps you think I'm self-absorbed for feeling this way when I really should just feel happy that I have my baby, and she's healthy and mine forever.

You may think what you want. I'll just hang on to this little now-not-so-secret wish to have a do-over.


  1. I dont think you are being selfish at all & I dont blame you for feeling how you do. Im sure with your next baby it will be different. McKay is the only hospital I know that does skin to skin right after the baby is born. Everyone I've talked to who has their babies at Ogden Regional, or Davis their babies get cleaned up, stats etc before the moms hold them. Im sure they wouldnt be opposed if you asked them. I didnt even know it was an option until the nurse asked me what I wanted to do.

  2. I hated my hospital experience. We couldn't leave sooner. Bad nurses, no empathy etc. But you know what? We can totally get do overs. :) as many as you want!

  3. Similar experence here. Because of the c-section Russ couldn't cut the cord- they did hand Makai to him and he held him up for me for a sec. but then they were both gone while I was getting sewn back up and I didn't see either of them for a long time.
    Oh well, we'll get more chances ;)

  4. You're not at all selfish! This happened with my first two babies. It was so sad. And turns out my post pardem depression was at it's worst with those two. Then my third went amazing! I was the first to hold him, skin to skin! And guess what? No post pardem depression!

  5. NOT selfish! I've already emotionally prepped myself for my babies to be born and whisked away to the NICU without even having them placed on my belly or Justin able to cut the cord (which if I deliver soon is exactly what will happen). My mom has told me that's what happens, they're born and usually held up for 2 seconds for you to see them then placed in the warmers and taken straight to NICU. I'll then have to wait the hours until my epidural wears off until I can walk to be allowed to go down to the NICU to see them and hold them for the first time. I guess it's good that I'm prepped, but still I can understand how you felt about little Aspen.

  6. I remember thinking how interesting this was when you shared it with me that once when we made that ridiculously delicious dessert....I digress. I don't think it's selfish at all. I would have never dreamed what a difference something like that would make, and reading the previous comments just confirms its validity. I am glad that you share because it makes unmothers like myself really think about this stuff before we conceive. It helps us get our questions straight in our head before we give birth. So thank you for sharing and although I can't relate, I do feel sorry that you didn't have the experience you hoped you would in Aspen's first few minutes of life. I wish I could give you a do-over.

  7. Not selfish at all. I totally understand. Carter was an unplanned c-section and so I was quickly given an epidural and then a short while later had my c-section, the epidural made me shake so bad that I wasn't able to hold Carter for quite a while I don't remember how long but it was at least a few hours. I was so upset because we had a lot of family in the room and everyone else got to hold him before me, it was hard not to feel jealous of them. Then with Payton it was a little better, the epidural did not make me shake like it had with Carter so I was able to hold her within about 45 min after I got out of the operating room from the c-section. I don't think I will ever be able to hold my babies immediately after they are born, I am jealous a bit of Matt for that, since he is the one who can hold them.


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