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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

When it rains, it pours.

Kev hasn't been getting full-time hours at work the last couple of months, and the financial impact has been significant. We've always been pretty broke, but lately it has gotten ridiculous.

With no guarantee of change, I've decided I need to re-enter the workforce. The day I made that decision, I literally walked around the house crying. As I fed Aspen her lunch, I cried. As I folded laundry, I cried. As I nursed Aspen, I cried. While she napped, I cried.

I am so grateful I've had these 7 months with my baby. I'm grateful I was able to see her smile for the first time. I saw her roll over with Kev (both ways!) for the first time. We both heard her first real laugh together.

I recognize that a lot of parents go back to work full-time after having children. Many don't have as long as I did with Aspen. True, I started leaving her with a sitter when she was 6 weeks, but that was only for a couple of hours at a time. Regardless of the circumstances of others, I feel crappy about mine right now. I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to cry. I'm allowed to hate the thought of someone else hearing her first words, or watching her take her first steps. But if we want to keep putting food on the table and heating our house, I need to work again. My aim is part-time, and I pray that will be enough to supplement Kev's income and pay for childcare.

I never knew I could love being a parent so much. I never knew I could love being home with Aspen all day, every day. I never knew how long it would last. My heart hurts so much.

9 comments:

  1. I feel for you more than you know!! I wish you lived in the SL Valley, I could get you a job at night with me! Going back to work has been one of the biggest trials the last year, and you are right, you are allowed to be sad/mad because it sucks!! I hope you can find a job that works well and that can work with you can Kev's schedules, so you wont have to leave her with a sitter much. We only leave Milo about 2 1/2 hours a day with someone. Anyway, this is a long comment, I will call you tomorrow and we can chat!

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  2. CRAP girl! That totally blows but at the same time you're right, food and heat are important. I don't know what Kevin's work hours are like but maybe you can work it somehow so when you're gone he's home? Or maybe you could find a job where you could work from home on your computer? Maybe it will just be a temporary thing. Wish I still lived there, I would have LOVED to watch her for you!

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  3. Oh Livia, I'm sorry. I might be able to watch her a couple of times a week if you need me to. She is such a cutie and you know Anabelle would be over joyed. I really hope this is a temporary thing. We will be praying for you guys.

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  4. Oh Livia. I'll be right over to give you a big hug! Oh wait, where did these 3 kids come from? Well, I guess I can't come over but know that I love you and am thinking of you! Hang in there.

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  5. i'm sorry my dear. i hope everything with the job and childcare work out :/ i know you can do a tax write off for childcare, just fyi. best of luck!

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  6. Im so sorry Liv. I enjoy staying home with Bailee much more than I thought I would. So I know how you feel. I hope everything works out for you. Let me know if you need a sitter.

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  7. major bummer, know how you feel. i hope you can find something part time so you dont have to be away from her too long! anna rolled over for the first time at daycare. sadness. today one of the other kids tripped and dropped a huge toy on her head. in a way i wish i was there to proctect her and then again its good that she's being exposed to other kids, hopefully she'll have some good social skills! Also, she doesn't have stranger danger AT ALL. that's a bonus for sure!!!! anyways, it will be fine, you're going to find some great daycare and it will end up being fabulous and you'll love your time with her even more than you do now!! but yes, you are aloud to cry (:

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  8. I'm so sorry! It's so sad and terrible that it's like this for so many people now. I wonder if you could work from home... or, could you get a job as an assistant of some sort in a school/early childhood program that would allow you to be near your adorable daughter during the day? It might be a bit early for that because I see she's really young still, but maybe!

    All good things,
    Melissa

    www.kindnesspatiencebalance.com

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