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Saturday, June 11, 2011

I think I get it now


I've loved Aspen since she was born, but I've been falling in love with her more over the last ten months.

Motherhood has been an extremely difficult transition for me. I'm not bored, by any means. I'm not exactly overwhelmed, I just had to find my groove. Whenever I hear other moms say "Oh my gosh, I love being my kid's mom, it's the best!" I feel like I suck. I do love being a parent, but I don't gush about it that much. Aspen is one of the best things to ever happen to me, but mostly because she's teaching me how to stop being so selfish.

Last night I put Aspen to bed as usual around 8. Lately I've heard her waking up in the middle of the night, but I've been letting her cry it out and soothe herself back to sleep. Her schedule at night has been so good otherwise, and I don't want her to train me to get up and feed her like those good ol' newborn days.

However, last night was an exception. She didn't just wake up whimpering a little. She had that scared-out-of-her-wits scream going on. She'd only been in bed a couple of hours so I went to her. She was disoriented and on her hands and knees, crying.

I scooped her up and held her with her head resting on my chest, feet dangling toward the floor. She put her little hand on my shoulder while the other was tucked against our bellies.

In that moment (like others so similar before) I did feel like this motherhood gig was the best thing ever. Yes, she was crying, and yes, I was tired and ready for bed myself. But she needed to be held, and I got to do it.

Aspen fell asleep like that while I paced her room. Her breathing slowed and she melted into me. I felt like the best mom ever. I felt like I didn't suck, even if just for a few minutes.

5 comments:

  1. There is always bad mixed in with the good, but I have found that the great moments far outweigh the ones we struggle with. Sounds like it is the same for you. And it is amazing how quickly time goes by and how fast they grow up!

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  2. What a sweet moment. Those aren't the fun times, but your heart sure grows a few sizes. P.S. Aspen wouldn't be such a wonderful, happy little girl if you were sucking it up. She is a very content girl, because she is getting all the love and attention she needs. Keep up the awesome work.

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  3. I totally agree with Lesley. Motherhood is very hard anyone who denies it is lying. Some moms probably do enjoy it a bit more but that doesn't make them a better mother. I am glad that you are able to have those sweet moments with her and remember why we put up with all the other stuff that isn't so sweet. Love ya Liv and I think you are a great mom!

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  4. Those are the moments that we'll remember. Being a mom is hard, but thank goodness for those glimpses.

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  5. Oh. My. I just accidentally found your blog and I felt compelled to comment...My youngest daughter, my baby, is also named Aspen... My Aspen is 13 now, but oh, how I miss my tiny Aspen...All I can say is that it doesn't matter if you think you are a good mom, what matters is if Aspen thinks you are a good mom...I would bet that she does, there is a lot of joy in her eyes, she is a beautiful girl...keep up the good work!

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