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Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Quality vs Quantity

Lately, I've been getting down on myself about my parenting, and about my inability to easily overcome my hesitation to have another baby.

I often feel that those who are unable to have children right now are looking at me as though I'm the most selfish person they've ever met. Or those who have children think less of me for not being amazing enough to have a brood by now.

Regardless of what these imaginary people think, I have tried to remind myself that it only matters what Kev and I think. Our two opinions on the subject of our family are the only ones that have any significance.

Right on cue, LDS General Conference offered some more support to me in reference to family. Council from Neil Andersen reminded those listening that the decision to have children (and how many) is very private, and we are not to judge others. Yes, I have chosen to share this private struggle, but it shouldn't automatically open me up to criticism. I believe it's better to be overly-cautious of having more children than to simply have them because I'm physically able. The quality of our family life is more important to me than the number of children Kev and I have.

So while I will probably continue to struggle with my self-worth (perhaps I need to listen to Uchtdorf again?) I will also try to remember that whatever judgment is cast on me by others is inconsequential.

7 comments:

  1. liv, i want you to know how much i appreciate this post. and i also want you to know, from one who so wishes to have a child, that i've never thought you were selfish or have ever thought less of you for only wanting your sweet Aspen. like you said -- and like Niel Anderson stated ... its a PRIVATE matter between husband + wife + the Lord. you know whats best for your family, no one else does.

    its always been a struggle for me that people will so thoughtlessly ask about when vince + i are having kids... now, we haven't gone through major struggles with it fertility-wise, but it has been something we have struggled with, something that hurts me down in my soul because i want to be a mother so much, and for people to pry into that personal area of my life, frankly its none of their business and i hope people took that away from his talk -- it's private and should be something you don't judge others for.

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  2. I totally agree with this comment you put "I believe it's better to be overly-cautious of having more children than to simply have them because I'm physically able" I think too many of us judge when its not our place. Everyone has kids when they feel ready & right about it. Thats all that matters.

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  3. I think you stated it perfectly. We all get to decide what's best for us and our family.

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  4. I thought of you and your recent blog posts when he was talking. :) I hoped you had caught that. Whether it's how many kids and when to have them to the basic what's for lunch it's YOUR and Kevin's family. YOU decide what's best ALWAYS!

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  5. Don't let anyone make you feel like you should have more kids. Do what's best for your soul.

    And I don't hate you or think you're selfish. :)

    But we do need to catch up.

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  6. I say there's absolutely no rush. Why even have to think about it right now? Aspen's only 1. Give yourself time and just focus on Aspen. Then revisit the idea when she's older. You may stil feel exactly the same way and not want any more kids, you may be in a different place and decide it's something you want. Either way it's YOUR family. Do what's best for yourself and your family. :)

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  7. That was a very good talk. Sometimes I wonder if people really think what I think they are thinking about me. It is hard to not feel judged. I agree with what Justin and Shaylee said. Aspen is only one and you are only 27 (I hope that is right). There is no need to start popping out kids like a mad person. You are right. One shouldn't have babies just because they can (hello, planned teenage pregnancies). I myself have felt guilty that Anabelle is now 3 1/2 and I don't have another sibling for her and Beckett. But life happens and you have to do what is best for you and your family.

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