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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

My story, part VIII

To read previous posts on this topic, click here.

After Matt, I somehow pulled myself together so I could get into some more drama. Gotta start fresh!

First, I kissed my best friend. And he kissed me back. It was only weird because we weren't dating. We were "just friends." But I'd been not-so-secretly in love with him for months (sound familiar?). We had french toast together every Sunday night. We had almost nothing in common except food and laughing. And then kissing. But he didn't want to date me. Which, ok, fine, whatever! But then we kissed again a few weeks later. And then again a few weeks after that.

The reason this became a problem was because somewhere in there I had started dating someone else. Someone who actually wanted to date me and not just kiss me. So while I was partially in love with my best friend, I was also dating Ray. It was tearing me apart that my best friend only wanted to kiss me and not date me so we had to talk about that and I had to admit that I needed to stop kissing my best friend and go back to being friends-without-benefits.

And then I went ahead and admitted to Ray that right after we had started dating, I had kissed someone else. Thankfully it wasn't a huge deal and we kept dating. At least I hadn't kissed his best friend (although he was friends with Rory...).

Ray and I dated for about 5 or 6 months. He was spontaneous, kind, and really open. He took me to a formal dance at Weber (only the second dance I'd been to in my life), bought me flowers, and covered my dorm room in post-it notes. We had a lot of fun during our time together. We even talked about marriage.

The major hurdle we faced was religion. I was still LDS, trying to make things work with boys who weren't. Ray was okay with us getting married, and someday giving our kids the opportunity to choose to be LDS or not. I understand everyone actually has that choice (even if they're already LDS), but I didn't want it coming down to our kids technically choosing between Mom' or Dad's point of view on religion. I thought that would be unfair and really difficult.

Deciding to break up with Ray made me physically ill. I remember seeking reassurance from others close to me that I was doing something that was best for both Ray and myself. In the long run, we'd be happier if we were with someone who shared similar religious beliefs. We shouldn't have to worry about religion being a sore spot for the rest of our lives. We were always going to have huge differences of opinion. Despite knowing this, it was an incredibly difficult thing to do. Ray was the only boy who'd ever told me he loved me. I was going to break both our hearts.

The night I brought it up, Ray reacted as I had anticipated; he was angry and left me standing on the curb in our dorm complex while he drove away. I fled to my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt horrible. I felt so mean and selfish. Even though I knew it was right. I knew it with every fiber of my being.

Ray called me at 5am, presumably after he'd had a chance to calm down. For weeks following our break up, we would occasionally talk and try to keep things not just civil, but kind. Breaking up with him didn't make all my feelings for him go away. I still loved him and wanted nothing but for him to be happy.

Months went by and it got easier to run into each other. I had another failed attempt at dating a close friend (YES, ANOTHER ONE) but it helped me realize that life after Ray could go on. However, every time I tried to make something work with an LDS boy, I got dumped. Or they kept me in the "friend zone." And every time I tried to make something work with a non-LDS boy, it got complicated really quickly. I essentially gave the heck up on dating. I was done with having my heart trampled.

And then I met Kev.

3 comments:

  1. I honestly just got the chills. I am so happy you met Kev! You two seem incredibly happy! I really love the way you write and reading your life's story. I know it must be difficult to share. I just have to add that it is difficult not sharing the same beliefs. It is far easier than I would have ever thought, but my story started out far different than yours had you married Ray. You see I thought Andrew and I stood on the same ground when it came to religion. He was confused and truly did not know, he tried, oh how he tried for himself and for me, but in the end he just did not feel right about LDS religion. He was brought up LDS and we always went to church, were sealed and a few years after that he just couldn't keep up the act. He wanted to be him without a weight on his shoulders and I had to decide if that was something I could handle. After much prayer it was. For us, it works. I don't always know how, but thankfully it does and we never argue about religion. I will most likely be posting about this current situation because I get asked a lot of questions about it. So forgive me if you have to re read some of this on my blog.

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  2. I'm so glad you've made your marriage work, despite the difference in opinion regarding the LDS faith. I think you set a great example to people everywhere that you can still love someone, even when you don't have the exact same thoughts on everything. So even though you choose to practice your LDS faith, Andrew respects and loves you. And vice versa. Thank you for always sharing your thoughts and experiences whenever you get the chance. It's so important.

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  3. I love these entries. I've read them all even though I haven't commented on them all. I'm all fluttery because I know what happens next..I can't wait to read the Kevin story. Man, you two are perfect for each other.

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