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Tuesday, August 07, 2012

I think I can.

Being Aspen's sole-caregiver nearly around the clock has its trying moments. It's usually around dinner that I feel completely done for the day. I find myself being more impatient that I should be, and wishing wishing wishing Kev could come home and help. That someone else could talk Aspen into eating her food. That someone else could beg her to brush her teeth (all of them, not just that one in the front). That someone else could read all 20 books she requests before going to sleep.

It's not that Aspen is throwing tantrums or being difficult in any way whatsoever. She's mostly angelic. She really is. It's just that I'm losing myself.

I can't do anything right now except be Aspen's mom. And when she's sleeping and I do actually have time to myself, I can't go for the bike ride that I'm craving. I can't run to the store and pick up a few things I need. I'm trapped at our house. Much in the same way that Kev is trapped at his work.

To make the most of the time I'm spending with Aspen, I really am slowing down and focusing. Instead of rushing her to bed we do read all 20 books. And instead of plopping Aspen into her crib right after that final book closes, we snuggle in my bed for half an hour while she pretends to sleep. I know this won't last forever. Eventually the days of just us, being best buddies 24/7, will conclude. She'll be old enough for pre-school soon. From there she'll keep becoming her own person. So I will try to soak it all up.

It's still hard; I miss being myself. I miss teaching Yoga so much. When I do my own practice during Aspen's nap, I find myself whispering instructions under my breath. Just to stay in the habit. I miss Kev so much. Sometimes he gets home so late I don't even wake up when he comes to bed. And then he's gone again in the morning before Aspen and I are up. I actually laughed out loud when a friend suggested going on a group date. I was like, me and what husband? The poor guy works at least 13 hour days, and lately he's had a lot of on-call jobs that keep him out past midnight. There will be no date-nights for a very, very long time.

At least this is just a transition. It's a phase during which Kev is finding his place in a new career and doing what he can to move us forward. Without his new job, we'd be stuck with no hope of ever moving on with our lives. We'd still be living paycheck-to-paycheck.

So I'll try to get over my loneliness and the frustration of single-parenting-while-still-married. I'll try to give Aspen all the attention and love she deserves. I'll try to get over the inconvenience of living so far west that's there's nothing west of us except the freaking Kennecott copper mines.

I'll just keep trying.

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