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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

It's time to vent. Again.

Everything was making me cry on Saturday. I couldn't correct the spelling of Kev' name on my bank account, so I cried as I walked back to my car with Aspen on my hip. The garage door broke last week so I cried while eating lunch with Aspen at her picnic table in the dark garage next to the lawn mower. And when we almost got creamed by a jeep going 40 mph, I hyperventilated and cried on the side of the road.

I couldn't get images of Aspen's stroller soaring through the air out of my head. Even though it didn't happen, it was so close I kept imagining it. The cars that had stopped for me in the crosswalk were honking and yelling out their windows as the jeep approached us with no signs of stopping. I thrust Aspen, myself and the dog to the edge of the road and screamed at the kids through the open jeep windows.

They didn't even slow down. Just kept going up the hill.

I called Kev sobbing while I pushed Aspen on the swings at our destination. Everything culminated in a breakdown of epic proportions. I just couldn't take another minute of bottling up my stress and frustration and fear.

Every weekend during which I solo parent after a long week without Kev, I feel like I become a worse mother. Like I'm slowly being chipped away to a shell of a person and there's little left to allow me to be the parent I want to be.

Aspen caught a cold two weeks ago from nursery and has since passed it to me. So I practically begged Kev to come home early on Sunday and bring soup that had been left at the Pink House. I was too tired and sick to keep caring for Aspen by myself and just needed some relief.

It's funny how these seemingly little things built up until I couldn't take it anymore. It's hard to be so isolated in this new place and have little to distract me from the everyday challenges of parenthood. It just gets to be too much. I no longer have opportunities to be myself. I am just a mom every day all day.

10 comments:

  1. Love your blog!
    New follower!
    Come follow me via GFC?

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  2. Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry. Sorry because I completely understand. I solo parent day in and day out some weeks and always on the weekends. Hence the fact that I never make it to sacrament. I too have days where I feel like I am nowhere near the mother I wish to be, want to be or know I am because pent up stress and frustration are always threatening. Every mother needs a break to be the best mother they can be. Oh how I wish you lived nearby and we could have play dates, talk and be of support to one another. Now that summer is over and my mom friends have returned to work I once again, am shut in and feel completely alone.

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  3. On the flip side, I wish I could just be a mom and not have to work. So you are lucky in that aspect. I'm sure it is hard being in a new neighborhood though... Have you met any other moms at church that seem cool? You should just start stalking other moms and libraries and parks haha :) Good luck!

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  4. Ugh, I totally understand this. I hope you know that it will get better. It sure doesn't feel like it at the time but it will. And I know it's clique or whatever, but the bad times really do make the good ones feel so much better. BUt it sucks just the same when you are in the middle of it!

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  5. No one at church will talk to me! It's like I have a disease or something.

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  6. One thing I love to do on my blog is vent, I have to let it out some way or another. I cant get over that stupid jeep. I'd be cussing & bawling! We all have colds right now. I caught it from Layla & of course Bailee got it. I wonder how I can function enough to take care of them, its draining. I hope you get feeling better!

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  7. TOTALLY understand where you're coming from. I've also struggled with the "I'm just a mom" thoughts. Then one day a few weeks I realized that NO ONE I love and care about has ever told me I'm "just a mom". It was totally me telling myself that. So I decided that I may be "just a mom" right now but I'm going to be the best damn mom my kid could ever hope for.

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  8. Don't be upset... I had the same thoughts when i was a mum for the 1st time. u must occupy yourself with things, other than just looking after your child. Read a good book while Ur child is asleep or exercise at home to release the feel-good hormones. :))
    Remember to talk to Ur family & husband abt how u feel. Thats vr important...
    All the best & hope u're feeling better ♥

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  9. To the commenter that basically said you should be happy you don't have to work...what a lame thing to say to someone who is struggling. Don't tell someone they're "lucky" when they are going through a trial. How rude.

    Livia, I feel for you. I have had years and years of being home husbandless much of the time, and it wears on you so badly! As much as I can "understand" your situation (I know everyone's is different), my heart breaks for what you are going through. I've got four kids of my own, and though many times are awesome, and of course the kids are worth it (that goes without saying), it doesn't make the day-to-day ANY easier sometimes. It's darn hard, especially when you feel so lonely. You are not alone, but I know what it's like to feel like you are. I hope things look up for you soon.

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  10. I know we all have our various trials to go through, and I actually WISH I could find a job in our new city. When I was able to work even just 15 hours a week teaching Yoga in Ogden I felt so happy to be contributing, and also liked giving Aspen a chance to have play dates with my kind friends who watched her for free.

    I'm just so isolated here in West Jordan. And it's weird to be lonely when I actually have Aspen with me 24/7.

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