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Tuesday, January 01, 2013

A thief

A new year. A new perspective.

When we moved to West Jordan, I had such high hopes for a fun, exciting adventure. Instead, I was plagued with depression more often than not as I struggled to reach out to people and make new friends. Yes, I was blessed to have many adventures with people I already know in Salt Lake County, but it's not the same as having friends in the same zip code.

I spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time single-parenting while Kev worked endlessly in a new job. We never had time for each other. We haven't been on a date since we visited my parents in Maine BACK IN JUNE. Once we got back from that trip we moved, and our lives were turned upside down as we struggled to sell our house and adjust to a crappy situation in West Jordan.

Not having anyone to talk to, I often found myself swallowed up in comparisons between my life and the perceived lives of those around me. I despaired because I felt like I was failing at everything- failing at being a good wife, failing at being a good mother, failing to get a job, and definitely failing at being a friend.

When Kev started working less overtime it was such a huge blessing. I found I actually liked being a parent when I didn't have to do it alone. We took family outings and Aspen no longer had to go days at a time without seeing her Daddy.

But we still don't have a support system in this city. We have no one in our neighborhood we can call if we need something. We have no one who could watch Aspen for me in a pinch, no one who could check our mail for us if we went out of town (ha, yeah right). We are alone. And it's not for lack of trying. I have attended nearly all the ward activities since we moved here six months ago. I joined up with the ward choir and have subbed in nursery so many times I want to scream. I've given baked goods to neighbors and even tried to make eye contact and wave from across the street. All to no avail. This is just a weird place. A weird, lonely place.

As we look for a new home in another new city, I'm almost afraid to hope again. Hope that we'll be welcomed by someone. Hope that we'll be noticed. Hope that we'll get kindness reciprocated. We had it in Ogden, though, of all places, so I can't help but hope a teeny tiny little bit that Sandy will offer it to us as well.

I do know that no matter where I am, I am happier when I stop comparing myself and my life to others. I don't need to be like anyone else. I just need to be the best me possible. That's all Kev and Aspen need. They need me.

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5 comments:

  1. Im sorry to hear that, that must be so hard :( you definitely have friends through blogging however!
    Kal

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  2. Its hard not comparing yourself to others, its just human. I hope you can find a new place with great neighbors & friends!

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  3. I am sorry the move has been so difficult for you. I really hope you guys find a much better situation soon. I have heard positive things about Sandy, so we will keep our fingers crossed for you.

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  4. I can entirely relate all too well. It is unbelievably hard parenting on your own as your husband works himself to death and even harder feeling as if you are doing it alone. I am so sorry to hear that you too understand these feelings. I am hopeful that this new year will bring a sense of normalcy into our lives and less time working and more time spent as a family.

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  5. Isn't it weird how weird they are? You guys have made such an effort. You will totally be welcomed in your new town. You are great at making lasting friendships.

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