|Aspen in the NICU on her birthday|
The problem I face is letting go of the fear I feel when I consider having a newborn again. Although I obviously did it once and survived, I simply can't make myself understand that I could probably do it again. I could probably get through the emotional, physical and mental fatigue again. I could probably overcome the anxiety attacks and the raging hormones again. I could probably figure out how to breastfeed again (even if it does take three months to get used to it again). I could probably do it. I could. Probably.
BUT WHAT IF I CAN'T?!
What if post-partum is just as bad the second time around? What if? What if? What if?
I know I can't live my life in fear of this. I know that I need to have faith that I'm strong enough to do it again. I may not like babies, but I do know I like seeing my efforts paying off two years later. I read an amazing post on BlogHer (read it by clicking HERE) that really summed up my experience becoming a mother. It brought tears to my eyes to read someone else's experience so similar to my own. In the years since having Aspen, I have never talked to another parent who expressed feeling even a little bit like I did as a new parent. Sure, other moms would tell me it's hard but then they'd follow up with gushing about how it's the best thing ever. And then they'd have another kid. For a long time, I was not able to justify the trials of parenthood as a means to an end.
I don't take full credit for the person Aspen is becoming, but I can fnally see that the struggles I've endured while learning how to be a parent are making a difference in who she is. She is so funny. She cares about others. She has so much goodness in her. When I see how wonderful she is at only 2.5 years old, how can I resist having another?
It's hard to discuss openly because I know everyone has such complicated opinions about having/not having kids, and everyone has their own obstacles when it comes to family planning. But it's something I think about all the time, and even more so after spending so much time with Aspen's cousins this month. I want her to have a little sidekick!
So this is what I'm working on. I want to let go of the anxiety and fear associated with havng a baby. I want to be strong enough to do it again.