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Monday, May 13, 2013

Mary's Infertility Journey

Recently, I read a poem that Mary wrote in response to about 6 months of struggling with getting pregnant. It has since been 2 years that she and her husband have been trying to have a baby, and I feel so inadequate when it comes to expressing my grief for her.

Maybe this doesn't affect you personally. Maybe you were like me and got pregnant just two months after deciding to try. Despite how easy it was for me to have Aspen, I still feel this inexplicable kinship (and it may be completely one-sided) to those who have problems conceiving. In Relief Society yesterday I actually made the comment, "I hate mother's day." I cried as I spoke to that room full of women and told them how hurtful some of our comments are when we try to give advice to women who are experiencing infertility. It doesn't always help to tell someone that there's a baby "out there somewhere" waiting for them. It doesn't always help to tell someone that there's always adoption. It doesn't always help to tell someone to relax and just "let it happen." After the lesson concluded, a woman came over to me and told me she appreciated my comments. She spent over $30,000 to adopt, and she said she was ready to stab the next person who gave well-meaning but misguided "advice" about her situation. So watch out!

I know many wonderful women who have been trying for many years to have biological children. I have sat and cried with some of them as they question why this is happening (or not happening, I should say). I have felt guilty for having Aspen and struggling to overcome postpartum so I could show the gratitude that was buried under all the depression.

Mary puts into words a tiny bit of what she felt early on, and that's what I want to share with you today. I hope that it will help you if you are experiencing something similar. I hope it will enlighten you if you've never thought about the difficulties some face when trying to expand their families. I hope it will make you pause as it did me. And if Mother's Day was yet another painful/annoying holiday for you this year, please know you're not alone.

to you

written december 17, 2011

i held you the other day.

you were new.

i held you close to me, and you snuggled deep down into my neck and in to my heart.

i woke up and ached for your presence. you were gone. it had all just been a dream.

the entire day, i walked around in a fog... overcome with varying emotions. the dream was so real, so vivid. i was so overjoyed that i got to be with you, even for that brief moment. and yet, i felt your absence in every part of me. the ache of missing you was palpable.

a week or so after you were with me in my dream, daddy had a dream about you too. he said it was all he could do to think about you all day after.

we are waiting. sometimes patiently, sometimes not (we are trying, though).
mommy and daddy miss you.
please come soon.
*title from here

I have a few more infertility-related posts lined up for this week, and if you'd like to share part of your own story involving infertility, please email me (livytay[at]gmail[dot]com) and I'd be more than happy to include you.


  1. Very well said and I too feel the same way.

  2. I often don't know what to say because I have experienced the opposite ... I hesitate to say problem, but ... fertility I was unprepared for, we'll call it. I hate that it was so easy for me/DH and so difficult for you/VLo. I know you will be ready when it happens and will totally rock parenthood -- and in the meantime, biggest, fattest hugs, sis. Love you.

  3. Dreaming of the day of holding my own child is one of the sweetest and hardest things. It is one of the hardest things. This poem expresses that beautifully. Thank you.

  4. As I've been reading these stories, and digging around some other "famous" bloggers' sites and reading comments, I want to point out that every trial is valid. Whether it's infertility, whether it's having a child sooner than planned, or having more than planned. No one is allowed to feel guilty!! :)

  5. Aww this totally made me cry. Mary will definitely be an amazing mother. <3


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