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Monday, December 30, 2013

Round two

I wrote this the week I found out I was pregnant. I'm now 17 weeks.

The same loop of insecurities and worries ran through my head. Is this really a good idea? Is this really what we should do? How can I be good enough for this? I tried to keep the negative thoughts at bay, but without much success. I'm a worrier at heart. If life was handing out GPAs, I'd have a 4.0 in worry.

Even after the decision was made, I worried. I waited. I second-guessed. I agonized over every little detail. I talked with Kev about it endlessly.

After two months the second-guessing had to stop and I had a new set of worries to obsess over. But before any of those settled in, I felt happiness. Nothing but happiness. I felt confirmation that I made the right choice.

Regardless of that revelation, I still find myself feeling anxious about the second time around. There is little I have forgotten from Aspen's infancy, and I am very very scared to go through that again. Everything from the physical pains to the emotional trauma... it is all still fresh in my mind.

I look at Aspen now, the little person she has become, and I am grateful. I'm grateful I survived the first few years (I do not say that lightly) and am now able to enjoy some rewards. She lets me know it's all worth it by sharing her toddler insights, her humor, her love, her life, with me. Me. The person who probably feels the most unworthy of it.

So I will learn from my mistakes. I will commit to doing even just a little bit better this time. I will ask for help more often. I will let go of expectations and instead live my life one moment at a time, without stressing about the when so much. Aspen will always be my reminder that babies do learn to sleep. Babies do learn to eat. Babies do learn to calm themselves. Babies do grow up. She is also my reminder that I can do hard things. I can learn to be a better parent every single day.

I hope Aspen's little sibling thanks her for that someday.

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5 comments:

  1. We are only about three weeks apart :) So fun! How have you been feeling? I can relate to this post with having this third baby, I felt & thought some of the same things but as time has gone by finding out gender, getting bigger, feeling the baby move Im getting more excited but definitely by all means not ready for a third quite yet. You will do great Liv! So happy for you guys. Aspen will be an awesome big sis.

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    1. I've been really sick, which is very different than my first pregnancy. So it's been a hard adjustment. But, thankfully, I work in the mornings and am sick in the afternoon/evenings so at least I'm not throwing up at work.

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  2. Thanks for being open about this Liv. It helps so much to hear another mother out there saying, "Hey, it's ok if you don't love every moment of motherhood." When Owen was an infant I felt so guilty whenever I was asked, "isn't motherhood the greatest thing ever?!" I would always answer with a half-hearted, "um, yes it is." But in my head I was thinking, "holy crap I am the worst mother in the world because NO, NO it's not the greatest thing right now." I'm so glad there is someone else out there who thinks it's ok to not pop out another kid every 2.5 years and who lets the rest of us know we're not alone!
    And congratulations on the exciting news!

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    1. I really really really am not looking forward to having a newborn again, although I'm hopeful that in two years I'll feel like it was worth it (just as I did with Aspen). I'm always amazed at mothers who do think infants are the greatest thing ever. How?! It just goes to show there are many different kinds of people out there. Our wiring is all very different, I suppose. And there's nothing wrong with that.

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    2. (found your blog through SueAnn)

      Just thinking that you'll probably be one of those parents who really enjoys the teen years :) while everyone is wondering how you do it, you'll just think, "i don't know what the big deal is, this is great!"
      Good luck!

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