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Thursday, January 02, 2014

My battle

At 12 weeks pregnant (the week of Thanksgiving) I had one of worst nights of my life. Late in the evening, around 10pm, Kev came home from work. I was, of course, sitting on the couch eating a toasted bagel and watching "Gilmore Girls." The usual. Then I felt it. Bleeding.

I ran to the bathroom, telling myself it's completely normal. As I was standing in the tub, cleaning up, it happened. Something slipped out. Something that seemed too terrifying to look at. I just clamped my hands over my mouth and stared at it. I stared at Kev. I told him we needed to go to the hospital.

All the worst thoughts immediately came to mind. I tried to remind myself how normal this is. That I could be perfectly fine. That the baby was perfectly fine. Kev called my brother and he said he'd be over to stay with sleeping Aspen as soon as he could. He had been biking to Cottonwood Canyon, so we knew the wait could be a while.

When we finally made it to the ER, only two hours had passed. It felt like a lifetime. When I finally talked with a nurse and she started talking about miscarriage I found it hard to believe I was having this conversation. "Conversation" is not even the right word for it; more accurately, I was trying to hold myself together while she explained their plan of action for me as they sought a diagnosis.

It was only 20 minutes that Kev and I waited in a room. Only 20 minutes to take my blood pressure, draw my blood and go over my history. Then the doctor came in, mirroring the distress I imagined was on my own face.

His bedside manner was commendable. He made me feel like he himself had been through this exact experience, and that he knew how I was feeling. The nurse laid back my bed and they pulled aside my gown for the ultrasound. I just wanted the whole thing to be over. Good news or bad news, I just needed so desperately for it to be over. I was shaking, but trying to hold still enough for the doctor to get a clear shot with the wand. I just kept repeating the phrase "gestational sack" in my head, hoping and praying that what I had lost was not, in fact, that. But it was what they were concerned about so I was prepared for the worst.

The moment the doctor told me and Kev there was still a baby, a baby with a heartbeat, I lost it. I breathed through my soggy tissue to keep from hyperventilating. I couldn't heave a big enough sigh of relief.

It affected me so significantly. Now I feel guilty complaining about nausea. I feel guilty for not appreciating every single symptom that reminds me I am pregnant. I know that's not the kind of response I need to have. I know I need to accept that the time I spend throwing up and feeling nauseous and miserable were and are legitimately difficult. This new, different kind of pain should not diminish the significance of what preceded it.

I'm so much more nervous than I ever was before. I never had a problem during my pregnancy with Aspen. Yes, I felt exhausted, I felt back pain, I had a tiny bit of nausea and some heartburn for about one night... but I never experienced this kind of fear. I never worried over any of the pangs or twinges I felt in my body. I felt strong and healthy and in control. Now I feel so helpless so much of the time.

When we got home from the ER at 1-something in the morning and went to bed, I kept reliving the whole night. Over and over again I pictured the scene in the tub, revisited the terror I felt, the agony of waiting for that ultrasound to show us what was going on. But what I kept trying to hold on to was hope. Not necessarily hope that everything would be alright, but hope that no matter what happened, I would get through it.

I don't want to spend the rest of my pregnancy being afraid. I would much rather spend the rest of my pregnancy being hopeful. But it's a very hard battle to fight.

This week I was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection, which is being treated solely with Tylenol and my inhaler. Basically, I feel like junk all day every day until it plays out. After an hour wait in InstaCare, my initial blood pressure reading was high. Tell me, if you waited for an hour with a three-year-old to be seen by a doctor, do you think your blood pressure might be a tad bit high as well? Ten minutes later when the doctor took my BP it was perfection, but I was still encouraged to see my OB asap because high BP readings can be an indicator of eclampsia/toxemia.

At this point, I just feel weary. I am exhausted from being sick all the time. I hate to think how many hours I have spent trying not to/waiting to throw up. I hate to think how many hours I have spent lying down the last four months. I hate to think how much worse it can still get.

Kev likes to think that perhaps my pregnancy is so much harder this time around because the postpartum will be that much easier. One can only hope.

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8 comments:

  1. What an incredibly scary experience! I am so sorry. I am so glad everything is okay though. Also, I didn't know that you are pregnant so congratulations!!

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  2. Pregnancy is such a hard thing to appreciate while you're in the midst of it. It's just not that fun for most people. I'm so happy to hear that everything is ok, I can imagine how stressful that must have been. Good luck with the rest of it. I hope you start to feel better soon!

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  3. Oh my, how scary! Hope is a difficult thing sometimes, but in the long run can be so helpful in coping with trials. Thinking of you guys, let me know if you need anything!

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  4. Oh my goodness! How scary! I am so glad everything is Ok. I hope your health gets better soon and that is the end of your stress during this pregnancy.

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  5. I'm so glad everything was okay with your baby, miscarriage breaks your heart. I also bled more with this pregnancy than I ever had with my three other kids, other than scaring me it also reminded me that this baby isn't a done deal and I need to be grateful for the chance to bring her here (I typically do not like being pregnant and complain a lot). I hope you get feeling better and that your energy returns, its the pits to be so tired! Sending you our love!

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you had a better doctor than I had with my second miscarriage. Also I'm so glad that out didn't turn out to be that, a miscarriage. Best wishes for the next few months :-)!

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  7. Thank you everyone for your kind words! I was trying to respond individually to each of you but after one attempt, my phone no longer let me reply. Please know I appreciate you!

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