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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Only three months left?

The room was warm and full of children. I couldn't find anything I was looking for and I felt the beads of sweat rolling down my back, between my shoulder blades. Paperwork seemed to pile up endlessly and too many people needed my attention all at once.

I was handed a baby. It cried, it refused a bottle. I rocked it in my arms. Eventually I felt those little hands curl around one of my own fingers. I felt the baby relax. I wished I could have one of these again.

Then I realized it was a dream.

When I awoke fully, I realized it was one of the first times since finding out I was pregnant that I was looking forward to the new baby. Not that I haven't anticipated good times with a new one, but I've been so preoccupied with being sick, and stressing about being a good parent, that I forget to be joyful. I get caught up in worrying about how hard it will be to transition back into newborn-baby-stage from my-toddler-gets-her-snacks stage and I forget about how sweet it is when a new little one snuggles into you and falls asleep. I forget about the smell of a new baby. I forget about the feel of a new baby resting against your shoulder, gumming on your shirt sleeve.

Kev will occasionally say how excited he is to have another one, and then he tells me not to throw that back at him when the baby is born and I'm having meltdowns. I feel so badly that he worries about that. I told him I am so grateful he is excited; that I will need to rely on his optimism and his love for sweet little babies. His perspective on parenting is less jaded than mine, and it will be a huge blessing for our family (as it has been the last 3.5 years with Aspen).

And, honestly, at this point I would take the sleep-deprivation and the insanity that is a newborn over the discomfort, the barfing, the heartburn, the nausea and other yuckiness that has been this pregnancy. The grass is always greener, eh?

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1 comment:

  1. It's understandable about your worries I don't blame you and I felt the same way about baby #3 I finally relapsed I didn't sound excited I was too caught up in being out numbered, having to buy a new car, get bunk beds, rearrange rooms etc. It's always a big change adding a new family member. I'm sorry your still feeling yucky :( I don't know if it's because it's #3 or he's a boy but definitely my hardest pregnancy yet. But also trying to enjoy and savor the last little bit as it's my last.

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