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Monday, May 12, 2014

Choosing the waiting game

A month or so before Aspen was due to be born, a replacement was hired for me at work. However, I still found myself going in to the office daily, sometimes for a full day, even after she was trained. It was exhausting. I was so fat. I was so tired. None of my clothes fit. Sitting was uncomfortable. Standing was uncomfortable. It seemed redundant to have two people there doing the same thing. At one desk.

At one of my check ups, I lamented to my doctor that I was so sick of going in to work. He suggested an elective induction so I could have a date set and tell my office GOODBYE, SUCKAS! So I went for it. I scheduled Aspen's birthday and I felt really excited about it.

Everything went fine with the induction, until Aspen was born and I almost wasn't allowed to hold her. I had to ask the nurses to bring her to me before they took her away. Kev didn't even get to hold her until hours later when we were allowed visits in the NICU.

I don't know if there's a direct correlation between my induction and the need for Aspen to go to the NICU, but I regret the induction due to that possibility. Not to mention I was so pumped full of fluids and meds that I was swollen for DAYSSSSSSSSSS. I thought my feet were going to explode in the days following labor. I remember standing at the end of my bed, holding Aspen in my arms, trying to soothe her. I was rocking back and forth and I could hardly tolerate the pain in my elephant feet. It was awful.

Needless to say, I'm hoping to avoid an induction this time. Of course, if there's a threat to the baby or myself I'll consent to an induction to get things going, but I'd rather go into labor naturally. I know, I know, if I find myself eleventy billion days overdue I'm going to want anyone to do anything they can to get this baby out of me... but right now I'm optimistic.

But, on the flip side, now I have to just wait around until the baby's born. Which is pretty torturous for a person like me who puts it on the calendar when I plan to change the sheets and vacuum. I really, really like to plan things. Every last detail.

It's unsettling not knowing when I'll need to call our list of helpers to care for Aspen. I hate not knowing how soon to pack a bag for her and myself. I hate not knowing how long Maddie might be hanging out at our house alone until we can pawn her off on Seth. I hate not knowing if Kev will be able to get away from work in time or if it'll be complicated.

Regardless of those uncertainties, I'm hopeful that a more naturally progressing labor will offer better results than my elective, early induction. The stress of having a baby in the NICU (even for just 24 hours) is probably worse than the stress of not knowing when a baby will be born. It's just another case of the grass being greener on the other side; no matter what I do, I'll probably always wonder what would have happened if I'd made the other choice.

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