I can feel the panic creeping up again, when I let myself get carried away by the stress. Then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror while I pace the room and I snap out of it. I tell myself I did this before, and I can do it again. It got better last time, and it will get better this time.
Linc is going through his screaming stage, and it has been hard for me to handle. I get overwhelmed trying to soothe him all afternoon while also thinking about dinner prep and the bedtime routine for Aspen. With Kev working so much, he often isn't home until after Aspen's bedtime so I'm left to carry out all those tasks myself. I would happily do it while holding Linc, but it seems he doesn't just want to be held; he wants to be nursed or vigorously rocked nonstop. That's what makes it difficult to do bath time for Aspen and/or give her cuddles after reading books.
I already succumbed to Linc's demands to cluster-feed most of the evening, but I can't give in to focusing solely on him and ignoring Aspen until either A) Kev gets home or B) Linc goes to bed at 10p (whichever comes first). Thankfully, Aspen happily entertains herself or watches me rock Linc while I push back her bedtime. She doesn't mind holding books for me while I nurse her brother and she can brush her teeth and wash her face without my help. It's a relief that she has transitioned so well to being a big sister. She doesn't act out now that I spend so much time with Linc instead of her, and she doesn't mind at all that she gets to stay up much later now that I'm still figuring out bedtime.
But still. I'd rather not have Aspen going to bed so late, and I'd rather not feel on the verge of a breakdown every night when 7p rolls around and I know it's time to start the bedtime routine. Hopefully Linc will get over this phase quickly so we can have more pleasant evenings together.
I'm grateful my parents will soon be here because I won't hesitate to ask them to hold Linc for me while I put Aspen to bed. Additionally, I've already penciled in a nap for one of the days they're here and I'm very much looking forward to it. Many people asked if my mom would be coming right when Linc was born, but I like the system we set up when Aspen was born. Gail comes a few weeks later and offers relief when the initial help has died down. Just when I feel like I can't do it anymore, she swoops in and makes me a bunch of meals and offers to hold my baby at 430a so I can get some sleep. I just wish she could stay two weeks this time like she did when Aspen arrived! But at least I'll be heading to their house just a few weeks after they visit us in Utah.
Even with these little trials of new baby-hood, it is so much better than last time. There is so much less uncertainty, and so much more support. And much better anti-depressants.
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