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Tuesday, January 06, 2015

Answers

I'm pretty sure I've been praying for all the wrong things. Or, maybe, praying for the right things in all the wrong ways.

It has been months of constant frustration and exhaustion over here. I have tried not to over-zealously implement sleep-training-methods because trying one thing after another is INSANITY. But I've been diligent with a few things like schedule and, recently, having Kev go in at night to soothe Linc instead of me (side note: when Kev opens Linc's door, he immediately stops yelling. But when Kev approaches the crib and Linc sees it's not Mommy, Linc starts bawling).

Through it all, I've offered up so many prayers. Prayers that I could handle this better. Prayers that Linc would just. freakin. sleep. Prayers that I could figure out what he needs. Prayers that I would stop resenting him so much. Prayers that something would be better or easier right now. And far too often, it seemed like nothing happened. No answers.

Then, this month, my prayers seemed so obviously answered. Nikki took Linc and Aspen for me overnight. She basically wouldn't take "no" for an answer. I know she answered my prayers for relief.

Additionally, on Sunday, Linda gave a lesson that spoke to my heart. I wasn't in the room for the very beginning, but she shared this video (which I have seen and bawled through previously). After it played, Linda said a scripture kept going through her mind: "...she hath done what she could" (Mark 14:8).

I had debated staying home on Sunday instead of attending church. I felt too overwhelmed to imagine getting myself and the kids ready and out the door on time. I didn't want to deal with tantrums, and trying to nap Linc on-the-go and maintaining my composure when so exhausted. But I went anyway (and Aspen had a meltdown as soon as we walked into the chapel). As I sat in Relief Society and Linda said we're all doing enough, despite our feelings of depression and/or anxiety, I knew she was inspired to share those words. I needed to hear them.

It felt like I was finally being recognized by Heavenly Father. After what felt like months of radio silence as I battle depression and endure long, dark nights, it seemed someone was finally saying something back to me.

I am doing what I can.

It may not be awesome, but at the end of the day both the kids are alive and most of their needs and wants have been met.



Hopefully I've managed to slip in some other accomplishments, like showering and feeding myself, but I guess I'll get there eventually. In case you need some other inspiration (that requires less tissues), check out the Colbie Caillat video below, too.



While things may not be getting better or any easier, at least I can feel a little less alone.


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