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Monday, April 04, 2016

Being Selfish

I've been working a lot on self-care lately. I'm not gonna lie, I don't feel much guilt about it, either.

Over the last few months, I've focused on giving myself time with friends without the kids in tow (play dates are awesome, but so are activities with other ladies SANS kids). Lindsay invited me to watch The Bachelor at her house this season so I recently became a member of BachNation. It was so fun to spend a few hours at her house each week watching the show with other ladies. I'd never seen it before this year but I couldn't have asked for a better mentor than Lindsay when it came to understanding the show (*insert laughing emoji here*).

I've also recommitted myself to my Yoga practice. Kev and I have talked a lot about me getting the RYT certification and I know in order to feel comfortable doing that some day, I need to be happy with my personal practice. It has felt amazing to roll out the mat each night after the kids are in bed to do some Yoga. Some nights I don't have the energy to clean up the living room so I squish myself between the bed and the dresser in my bedroom and hope Kev doesn't open the door and hit me in the head. But that's how committed I am! I'm risking bodily harm!

Although I've been a lover of reading for as long as I can remember, as I've grown I've developed this weird feeling of guilt when it comes to purchasing books for myself. I tend to stick with borrowing from friends or the library. And while that's a great option I'm glad to have, sometimes I just want to be able to take my time to read something, or have the ability to read it again on a whim. In an effort to stop feeling guilty about buying books, I recently got a handful from the Dollar Tree and have been surprised how good they are. If you haven't read Saturday Night Widows by Becky Aikman, please do. When I initially picked it up I thought it was a fiction novel, but when I got home I realized it was autobiographical. I panicked, worried that I'd sob my way through the whole thing, but it turned out to be so uplifting and even funny. And I don't have to feel guilty about buying it because it only cost a buck! So whenever I take the kids with me to get random supplies from the dollar store, I take some time to browse the books they have and allow myself to buy one every now and then.

These may seem like really little things that any person should have the time and means to do... but I just haven't had the energy to do much of it the last couple of years. Linc is such a sweet kid, he really is, but he is so clingy. Even if Kev is home and holding Linc that kid will sob out big crocodile tears if I go to the bathroom by myself and shut the door. He knows how to appear helpless and how to ensure I will be by his side AT ALL TIMES and it's exhausting. If I try to do Yoga or Pilates during the day, Linc lies down right next to me and swings his arms and legs around, counting reps in my face. Actually, that makes him sound like an amazing personal trainer! But my point is that my workouts aren't very satisfying or effective unless he's asleep, and it's only been recently that I've had the ability to stay awake past 9pm without feeling like death the next day.

These baby steps toward getting some of myself back from the clutches of my Mom Role are so refreshing and liberating. Now that Linc is weaned and I'm no longer crying myself to sleep about it, I feel AMAZING. I am officially my own person again in charge of my own body. I joked with my friend Katrina that I'm a little bit excited about the first time I get sick post-weaning because I'll be able to take whatever medicine I want without worrying about it affecting Lincoln. BRING ON THE NYQUIL.

I hope you're doing some self-care as well, and that you're not feeling guilty about it. You deserve it.

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