Infertility and our conversations with loved ones

Melissa has some more insight into how our seemingly casual conversations with friends can actually be hurtful. Not that we can't discuss children with our friends; we just need to remember to talk about it from a place of support rather than judgment. No one's perfect, and we all say things we don't intend to be rude, but it's always good to have a reminder that there are better ways to approach the topic of family planning. This post can also be found on Melissa's blog, and you may also find her post about her C-section to be helpful (it brought me to tears).

5 Hurtful Things to Say to People Trying to Conceive:

1. When people say to other pregnant women AROUND ME, "You really deserve this."
What does that mean for me and my husband? We don't deserve it? It's just a weird thing to say. Doesn't every woman deserve to be a mom if she wants to be? Just say congratulations.

2. When people connect conception to faith, or lack there of, in ANY WAY.
I'm sorry, but no matter how hard you try, you can't relate my not getting pregnant to me not praying enough, no matter how "subtly" you put it. Just the fact that you allude to it shows 1) your ignorance on the subject AND 2) the fact that you probably got pregnant really easily, taking certain things for granted. God made science. I believe in science because I love God. Don't tell me to have faith and it will happen....um, my ovaries don't work, so while I don't doubt for a second that God does miracles, I do think that sometimes natural remedies or medical intervention MAY be helpful. Why can't those be considered miracles?

[And P.S. the reason this one angers me is because some of the most God-fearing, faithful people I KNOW have had losses, infertility, and death in their lives...are you telling me that it's because they lacked faith?? Hogwash.]

3. When people tell me to adopt.
Adoption is amazing. I still want to adopt. I think that had I never gotten pregnant, we would have opted for adoption and not medical intervention. I just didn't have the heart for IUI or IVF. But telling someone trying to conceive that they should just adopt isn't helpful. No one told Sarah, Abraham's wife, who was barren for most of her life, to go get another child and love it and that that would cure her ache.

4. When people complain about being pregnant.
Just don't do it. Save it for your mom. Or diary. There's a good chance that half the women you are talking to, or are even around you, would switch places with you in a second and you're torturing them.

5. When people give the infamous advice: just relax and it will happen!
Please don't believe this is valid advice. Although it may be true sometimes, it does not bring hope to those still trying. They feel desperate and broken. The last thing they can do is relax after 24 failed cycles.

5 Helpful Things to Say to People Trying to Conceive:

1. I'm so sorry.
2. I hope your turn comes soon.
3. I can't relate or imagine, but how can I help?
4. You'd make an amazing parent.
5. I love you.

They need no explanation. :)
I know I'm guilty of complaining too much about parenting, and that is something I'm actively trying to work on. In general, no one needs to hear that my kid is driving me crazy, whether they're struggling to conceive/adopt or not.

If you have an infertility story to share, please email me! (livytay[at]gmail[dot]com)

Natalie's Infertility Journey

I've been reading Natalie's blog for years. She was listed as a "blog of note" on Blogger's dashboard and I ended up adding her to my daily reads after perusing some of her posts and finding them HILAROUS.

I followed along with her as they lived in Moscow, Idaho and then prepared to move to NYC. I experienced genuine excitement when she was finally able to share a post with her readers regarding her first pregnancy. She and her husband Brandon did not easily conceive then, and they're experiencing secondary-infertility now. I remember reading Nat's posts shortly after Huck (aka Henry) was born and feeling like she deserved to have a million babies. She soaked up the newborn stage and seemed made for it.

If you'd like to read more about Nat's experiences with fertility, follow the link to her blog, HERE.

If you have an experience you'd like to share, please email me! (livytay[at]gmail[dot]com).

Nichole's Infertility Journey

Today's story is shared by Nichole, and it provides such insight into what it's like to have to work so hard to try for a pregnancy. It's heartbreaking, especially since (to me, at least) it seems there's so much time spent waiting. Waiting without any guarantee that there will be the desired result.

I was in my mid-twenties when I was diagnosed with a condition that I was told would cause me to deal with infertility. I was single and I was upset about it but it didn't affect me at that moment. It stayed in my mind and as I got older I was repeatedly told that my chances of successfully conceiving a child was getting smaller and smaller. I was still single and it tugged at my heart that I was losing a chance when I had no partner.

At 32, I met my amazing husband. We had a whirlwind romance and after a week of dating we were engaged. The day we got engaged I had to share my infertility problems with my soon to be husband. It was one of the hardest days for me, to tell the person you love that you may never be able to give them children. It made me worry that he would change his mind. He took it all in stride. See, I told you he was awesome.

We got married in November of 2011 and began trying. The first few months it was more like not preventing than really trying. Then, we tried for a few months and promptly went in for help. My husband did a semen analysis and we were told he had great numbers. Great news, for him and us. It made me feel even worse. I didn't want my husband to have issues, but at least then it wouldn't have felt like it was all my fault. We regularly get asked when we are having kids, if we want kids. I smile and say it will happen and try to blow it off. I hear about it regularly from one family member who is upset by it and the idea that we won't be able to have our own kids.

We found out at that same time that I had another health problem stemming from my Polycystic Ovaries. I started on a lifelong medication which I had to adjust to before we could even start fertility medicine. Finally in December of 2012 we started our first round of Clomid.

Clomid is no joke. You take it for 5 days at the beginning of your cycle. While taking it, regular side affects of hot flashes, headaches, nausea and cramps are expected and felt. And that is only during the five days you take the pills. After day 3 the anger and irritability sets in. Imagine PMS on steroids. ALL. MONTH. LONG. That is what is it is like being on Clomid.

I can't just take the Clomid, I have to monitor everything. I wake up every morning and take my Basal Body Temperature and chart it, watching for patterns. I take ovulation prediction tests from cycle day 10-22. Then I monitor my cervical mucus (the gross practice of checking the mucus in your cervix to help figure out when you are ovulating). I have to put all of this info on a chart and keep track of it all. Every day. There are apps for that and it helps.

Then there is the wonderful act of what the infertility community calls Baby Dancing. When you are on infertility medication, you are also prescribed times to baby dance with your spouse. It brings me to tears because it begins to feel like work. The most intimate moments with your spouse are meant to be wonderful and special, and they start to feel forced and like a chore to be done and checked off a list. It is beyond hard.

Every month, after I have determined I ovulated, I go into what we in the infertility community call the dreaded two week wait. This is where every emotion rolls through you. Excitement that it may be the month you see two pink lines on a test.

I watch people I know, family and people on Facebook announce pregnancies. I congratulate them and am really happy for them. Then, later, on my own, I crack. I cry because I want children. I cry because I feel horrible about being upset by wonderful news from friends. I am not upset by the news or baby pictures, I'm upset because I want it so bad. I cry because it hurts that my body doesn't want to cooperate and carry a child.

I am open about my infertility. I just want people to know that when I cry when I see a baby blessing, hear news of a pregnancy or hold a new baby its because I look forward to the day it will be me. When I will happily announce I am pregnant, or hold my newborn baby. It will happen. I have faith and I work hard at making this happen. I may only have one child. I may end up with the fertility medication multiples. I may end up loving a child that I wasn't able to carry myself. My infertility doesn't define who I am. That is what I have to keep reminding myself of.

If you'd like to share you story, please email me! (livytay[at]gmail[dot]com)

Mara's Infertility Journey

Sometimes I don't know what to say to bring up the subject of a friend's infertility in order to let them know I'm here to listen if they need to talk about it. Nikki shared some suggestions earlier this week, and Mara Kofoed, author of A Blog About Love, has a whole post dedicated to the topic of friends who have infertility in common, and what one might do in the event of a pregnancy.

Mara's post Friendship and Infertility was helpful to me, as were many of the comments left by readers. One woman suggested we all remember that everyone's feelings are valid, whether they're related to infertility or hardships faced during parenthood. That's something I really struggle with; I want to be able to have my motherhood trials without feeling guilty that there's someone out there who would gladly take them if they came with a baby. Let's all remember that everyone has their different trials, and we all handle things differently.

Mara and her husband Danny are currently undergoing IVF and you can read more of her story HERE.

If you have an experience you'd like to share, please email me! (livytay[at]gmail[dot]com).

Jess' Infertility Journey

Today Jess is sharing with us a part of her infertility story. When she began to write openly about her experience, I followed along on her blog with my fingers crossed that she and Josh would find something that worked for them. Read on to see what happened.

My friend told me a story that her doctor shared with her, and I'm now going to share with you: This doctor's family was buying a new car. At the dealership they saw a car with this interesting orange/coppery color. They had never seen a car in this color before, and were smitten. Not only did they love the color, but their vehicle would be unique. So they bought it. Once they started driving the car, they noticed vehicles in the exact same color...everywhere. Somehow they had never paid attention enough to ever even notice the color before. But now that they were driving this car, they saw the same color all the time.

This is a pretty common occurrence .. once you become aware/focused on something (an issue, phenomenon, etc), all of a sudden you start seeing it everywhere. Infertility is like this. Once you have the chat with your significant other: "Are you ready to have kids? Yeah, I think I am too. Let's have a baby!" then you literally see babies and pregnant women everywhere. It seems like your whole newsfeed is filled with pregnancy announcements, baby bump pictures, birth announcements, and pictures of adorable babies you just want to snuggle (or squeeze, in my case). It's like you've put on fertility-shaded glasses, and that's all you see.

At first it's alright, and kind of exciting. You're seeing what you're hoping will happen for you, and it's fun and adorable. And then the months keep passing by. Every month feels like a little wound is getting larger. The pictures and announcements are getting less cute, and more stress-inducing. And if you're pretty ignorant to infertility, like I was, after about nine months you start to feel like it's literally been an eternity.

Once that 12-month mark hit, I was off to the doctor. I told them all about my lady business, and let them run all the bloodwork, exams, and whatever tests they wanted. My obgyn mentioned that after a year of trying unsuccessfully, the statistics are 50/50 of potential problems with either the woman or man. Most of the time everyone just thinks it's the woman automatically (thanks a lot, gender roles!). After my tests came back mostly normal (I didn't ovulate regularly, but there's medication I could take for that), we decided to get my husband checked out. That's when stuff got real...

After multiple tests (sorry, dear husband...), it was determined that we were unable to get pregnant naturally. Even IUI (intrauterine insemination) was ruled out. Which was a bummer, since it's a lot cheaper. The fertility specialists told us that the only way we'd get pregnant was to do IVF (in-vitro fertilization) with ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection--they manually insert each sperm into an egg, versus just mixing them together and letting them do their thing). Which starts at about $15k at a minimum, and has no guarantees. Since we aren't millionaires...this wasn't exactly pleasant to hear. We made plans to save our money, and do IVF in a couple years, or whenever we were financially able to do so.

The most crucial part of our entire experience with infertility was accepting it. And it isn't like you just accept it and *bam - you're never sad again!*. It's continually accepting it. And realizing that the future isn't doomed just because you don't have a child right this minute. Looking back, I now appreciate that extra time we had just as a couple, enjoying activities that would be a little more difficult after having children (simple example: going to the movies). It was definitely difficult to always appreciate it while it was happening, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Even if believing that can really suck sometimes.

What ended up happening to us? About 6ish months after we were finally told this news from the fertility doctors, I became pregnant. Apparently one of those teeny tiny sperm was hell-bent on making it to the egg. And while that sounds gross and my husband is totally going to get mad at me for writing that sentence, we are so happy it happened. Our son Henry is now 16 months old. And because we weren't sure if we were ever going to have any other kids, we decided to just see if nature would somehow defy science yet again. And a year later, it did. We are now expecting our second child, George, due September 2nd.

In a twisted way (I say that because I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy!), I am grateful for our experiences with infertility. While it was relatively short compared to a lot of other peoples' experiences, it opened my eyes to the world of infertility (it affects a LOT more people than you think!). No matter the time frame, I still felt the hurt and sadness that comes along with getting such discouraging news. But it made me appreciate the entire miracle of getting pregnant and birthing a child on a completely different level. I can never express how grateful and blessed I feel for our son Henry, and our future son George. They are literally my little miracles [well...big miracles, that happen to arrive in a tiny form :)]. And I truly hope that everyone struggling with infertility will someday have the same joy of having children in their lives (one way or another!).

If you have an experience you'd like to share, please email me! (livytay[at]gmail[dot]com).

Nikki's Infertility Journey

My dear friend Nikki gave me permission to share this post with you today. She and Mike waited a long time for their daughter to join them, and they're currently experiencing secondary-infertility as she and Mike hope to bring another child into their family. I cannot think of their struggle without tearing up. They are a family very near to my heart and I wish nothing but the best for them.

October 2, 2012
The "i" word

For the past several months, we have had hard days coping with our challenge of secondary infertility. I feel like we have many friends and family who pray hard and want to help, but they don't always know what to say, or how to be helpful.

It can be such a private, embarrassing subject for both parties. And it's so easy to say something that will be taken the wrong way. I can see where the trepidation comes from. Some people with infertility problems don't want to talk about it. Some people are more open about it. For me, I am usually open, but it depends on the day. Mike is more quiet. Personally, I have hard days, and I have days where I have great perspective. I am never hurt by someone who says, "I have been thinking about you guys and praying for you." or "do you want to talk about it?"

I was recently listening to a Reproductive Endocrinologist at a conference. He stated that the emotional effects of infertility have been studied and found to be as stressful as a cancer diagnosis. These are his words, not mine. I have never experienced cancer personally, and I don't like to compare one trial to another. However, I stopped downplaying what we are going through as much.
One truth that I treasure is this: Eva is our miracle. She is amazing! I breathe this every day. She makes me so happy! I appreciate her. I tell her, "Thank you for being my daughter" every day. I ADORE her. I live for her and Mike.

One of the most hurtful things someone said to me was, "You already have a child. Why are you so upset?" I felt guilt because she made me feel like I didn't appreciate my child. I also face feelings of guilt for not providing a sibling for Eva. I worry about too much spacing in between them. I have anxiety about how quickly she grows. Though it fills me with joy, am a squeezing as much joy as possible out of each moment? What if she is my only one? Doctors initially waved off my concerns, and said, "You had one, you'll get pregnant again." However, 60% of infertility cases are secondary infertility. Utah is a difficult place to endure infertility. Beyond the prying questions, there is awkwardness. I try to make friends with parents who have children Eva's age. However, I struggle to fit in with their busy schedules. Because ALL of them have multiple children, they are more occupied than us, and don't necessarily think their children need play time with a non-family member. I have felt somewhat isolated in my neighborhood. I cling to good friends and family because I have just a few people who I feel comfortable around nearby. Luckily, I think I have the strength to improve this. I have learned that I have to reach out to others. I've have done much to socialize, short of saying, "Hey, I need someone to be our friend!"

I have been told, "Just be happy! You have so many blessings!" I have thought about this long and hard. I have gone back and forth and read the undertones of this statement. I can say with sincerity: I am happy. I laugh every day! I don't wallow in this trial. But we can't turn a switch and avoid the suffering that comes with it. There is no way to get out of it. I can't convince myself that nothing is wrong when there is something wrong. I do know this will get resolved at some point and we will feel the huge weight lift. But I am happy.

I know you all are acquainted with several families who suffer from infertility. I found two wonderful articles that you might want to read, or share with someone you know(Infertility Etiquette and When Infertility Strikes). My aim in this post isn't to correct any of you, or hint that we need a week's worth of dinners. It's to help break down the walls I have felt when I try to talk about what I'm going through. It's to make us all more aware how to help each other bear one another's burdens. It's to remind you that everyone needs to ask for help sometimes. I feel so good when a friend texts or calls saying, "I just want to talk to you. I need your friendship right now."

This post is also to say THANK YOU for being there for us. We have absolutely felt your prayers. One recent month, I had just discovered, yet again, that we weren't pregnant. But, that particular day, I felt fine. Happy even. I texted my mom, because she knew about my day. "Thank you for praying for me, Mom. I could feel it."
She said, "That's because I put your name in the temple."

I recently read something of great truth:
"When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting."

If you have an experience you'd like to share, please email me! (livytay[at]gmail[dot]com).

Mary's Infertility Journey

Recently, I read a poem that Mary wrote in response to about 6 months of struggling with getting pregnant. It has since been 2 years that she and her husband have been trying to have a baby, and I feel so inadequate when it comes to expressing my grief for her.

Maybe this doesn't affect you personally. Maybe you were like me and got pregnant just two months after deciding to try. Despite how easy it was for me to have Aspen, I still feel this inexplicable kinship (and it may be completely one-sided) to those who have problems conceiving. In Relief Society yesterday I actually made the comment, "I hate mother's day." I cried as I spoke to that room full of women and told them how hurtful some of our comments are when we try to give advice to women who are experiencing infertility. It doesn't always help to tell someone that there's a baby "out there somewhere" waiting for them. It doesn't always help to tell someone that there's always adoption. It doesn't always help to tell someone to relax and just "let it happen." After the lesson concluded, a woman came over to me and told me she appreciated my comments. She spent over $30,000 to adopt, and she said she was ready to stab the next person who gave well-meaning but misguided "advice" about her situation. So watch out!

I know many wonderful women who have been trying for many years to have biological children. I have sat and cried with some of them as they question why this is happening (or not happening, I should say). I have felt guilty for having Aspen and struggling to overcome postpartum so I could show the gratitude that was buried under all the depression.

Mary puts into words a tiny bit of what she felt early on, and that's what I want to share with you today. I hope that it will help you if you are experiencing something similar. I hope it will enlighten you if you've never thought about the difficulties some face when trying to expand their families. I hope it will make you pause as it did me. And if Mother's Day was yet another painful/annoying holiday for you this year, please know you're not alone.

to you

written december 17, 2011

i held you the other day.

you were new.

tiny.

fresh.

mine.

i held you close to me, and you snuggled deep down into my neck and in to my heart.

i woke up and ached for your presence. you were gone. it had all just been a dream.

the entire day, i walked around in a fog... overcome with varying emotions. the dream was so real, so vivid. i was so overjoyed that i got to be with you, even for that brief moment. and yet, i felt your absence in every part of me. the ache of missing you was palpable.

a week or so after you were with me in my dream, daddy had a dream about you too. he said it was all he could do to think about you all day after.

we are waiting. sometimes patiently, sometimes not (we are trying, though).

mommy and daddy miss you.

please come soon.

-------

*title from here

I have a few more infertility-related posts lined up for this week, and if you'd like to share part of your own story involving infertility, please email me (livytay[at]gmail[dot]com) and I'd be more than happy to include you.

Here comes the choo choo train

Kev is almost done with the master bath, so in order to give him uninterrupted time today to work on it, I decided to get Aspen out of the house as much as possible. We got ready for the day and then I surprised Aspen by telling her we were going to ride on a train and go to Salt Lake City. Let it be known that she is OBSESSED with Salt Lake City. There was a day last summer when we happened to meet Milo/SueAnn/Ella in SLC on the same day that Kev was taking a class there for work. We didn't even go near the place Kev was in, but for whatever reason, Aspen thought it was the coolest thing ever that we were in SLC with all her favorite people on the same day.

So. Yeah. Her head about exploded when I told her our plans. She loves going to SLC and she hasn't ridden Trax yet so it was all very exciting.

See? She's THRILLED.

I love riding Trax because I'm extremely directionally-challenged and I hate parking. So it's a win-win.

Our first stop was, of course, GAP so I could look for shorts. But Aspen complained the whole time I tried to sift through clothes so we went over to the kids' section so she could try on butterfly wings.

We got lunch and played at the dino playground for a little while before I convinced her it was time to go by telling her about a magical store full of Tinkerbell stuff. She's never been inside the Disney Store before. It was a little overwhelming for her at first. It was super-full and there were so many sparkly things to look at. Thankfully Aspen is really good about not asking for stuff so it's actually fun to take her in to stores just to look. When we found the Tink section I showed her a music box/jewelry box with a little twirling Tink inside it. The look of wonder and delight on Aspen's face was priceless. Well, actually, not priceless. I wasn't willing to pay almost $20 to take it home.

I do love seeing her enjoy something, though. Even if it's only for a few minutes. She also loved the Cars toys, but it's disappointing that they mostly carry junk from Cars 2, which we haven't seen (because a lot of people/reviews had bad things to say about it). At least we came prepared with our own Mator and Lightning thanks to Uncle Seth. Aspen just pulled those out of our bag to help her get over the shock that was seeing Mator painted all crazy different for Cars 2.

I had a fun day with Aspen, and it was only when I was trying to convince her it was time to go that I regretted our adventure. She screamed so loudly at the train platform I'm sure people thought a kid had fallen on the tracks. It was pretty horrific. But she topped that on the car ride from the station to our house. She soaked her car seat straps with her tears. And it's only about a mile long drive. When we got home I couldn't even touch her. Kev had to come outside and talk her down before I could get her out of the car. She really, really, really wanted to stay in Salt Lake City.

Regardless of the less-than-stellar ending, she had a fun day. We calmed down with about 20 books on my bed and then I fell asleep on the couch while she watched My Little Pony on repeat before dinner.

And now the shower is almost done! For reals! All the tile is grouted and the faucet is installed. Now we just need to get the curtain hung and put in the toilet/vanity/medicine cabinet. I'd call that a successful day, even if there was an epic tantrum.

Applicable 166 years later

"...but women feel just as men feel; they need exercise for their faculties, and a field for their efforts as much as their brothers do; they suffer from too rigid a restraint, too absolute a stagnation, precisely as men would suffer; and it is narrow-minded in their more privileged fellow-creatures to say that they ought to confine themselves to making puddings and knitting stockings, to playing on the piano and embroidering bags. It is thoughtless to condemn them, or laugh at them, if they seek to do more or learn more than custom has pronounced necessary for their sex."

Jane Eyre
1847

MyMemories Free Printables

MyMemories has another free printable, this one available until May 19th. These Deco Dragon Eggs would make great party décor (hang them up like pompoms!), or could be used as favors.

There are three great styles to choose from, or you could download them all!

Option 1 // Option 2 // Option 3

For assembly instructions, visit MyMemories HERE.

Also, for $20 in savings when purchasing the MyMemories digital scrapbooking suite and shopping at MyMemories.com, use code STMMMS96536 at checkout (PS this code never expires!).

Reaching out

An announcement was made in Relief Society for a woman in our ward who's in need of some childcare help right now. She's due with twins soon and needs to be off her feet as much as possible to help those babies stay in as long as possible. I haven't yet met her, but when the list came to me near the end of class and a time slot for Monday morning still hadn't been filled, I decided to take the plunge and volunteer.

I biked over to Beth's house the next morning (with Aspen in the trailer) and met this wonderfully fun woman and her kids for the first time. I had met her mom (who's also in our ward) and husband a week or two ago, so it was nice to finally put a face to her name.

As I got to know this family (she has three kids), I was excited to learn she's from NY. I always love meeting other people from the east coast. It's amusing to talk about the strange transition from being LDS and a minority and then moving to Utah. And laughing about how everyone thinks all east coasters are supposed to have accents.

Being in this ward/neighborhood has done wonders for me. It's so rewarding to have people smile back at me and invite us to do things during the week. I've been going to a weekly park playdate with other moms in the ward and I love seeing some of the same women every week and getting to know them better. Everyone has so much to offer and I look forward to other opportunities to serve and get to know my new community. Although, I am a little nervous about whatever church calling they decide to give me since it's been about three years since I've had a legitimate responsibility at church. Wish me luck!

It's your lucky day - trimmed up

Okay, I thought the stairs looked a million times better just painted, but they look even better than that with the trim painted white. Seeing them finished makes me want to paint the entry walls right now (even though there's still a pony wall to build).

Things are really dragging lately; Kev and I are exhausted by the time we tackle getting Aspen in bed and that leaves very little energy for all the projects on our lists. I really hoped that once we started spending every waking moment outside Aspen would resume taking some quiet time in her room again. But no such luck. So all the energy I used to put toward painting is now put toward surviving Aspen's non-stop afternoon tantrums. I need to figure out how to muster up a second wind after she goes to bed so I can finish painting the kitchen, start the en suite bath and paint all the patch jobs Kev did throughout the house. And let's not even talk about the basement. I think I'll wait on that until my sister comes back to Utah and wants to earn her keep via manual labor/babysitting.

See how the stairs used to look HERE.

Appreciating real books

So many memories are still boxed up. A couple of weeks ago I noticed an open box in the basement and peeked in to see the contents. It was surprising to see our photo albums and framed pictures looking back at me. Those had been packed since our move from Ogden, so I hadn't seen them in nearly ten months.

I spent some time in the office/library/computer room to straighten it up some more. It's become a catch-all right now with painting supplies and a shop vac and even my wardrobe surplus (yea for extra closets!). Kev brought home a bookshelf from DI last week that has been making me feel guilty for not unpacking more.

As I opened more boxes, I found Kev's collection of seriously old books from his grandparents' basement. When we were dating, he was so excited to show them to me because I majored in English. The books range from LDS literature to old Bibles, to those pictured here.

In our Wasatch apartment, we displayed these books in old, glass-fronted bookshelves in our living area. In the Pink House, they were in a small bookcase in Aspen's room. She almost never crawled, and when she finally learned to walk, she didn't have any interest in pulling things off shelves. So these volumes stayed safely stowed away in her room, never to be appreciated in their little corner.

As I sorted through them, I plucked a few of the more sturdy and colorful titles to display in the living room. The rest are stacked in the office/library/computer room (eventually I'll settle on what to call it) where they can be seen but not ruined by curious toddlers.

Over the years, I've thinned out my stash of books significantly. I always feel so guilty when we move and have helpers hauling box after box full of cumbersome books. I also feel guilty buying books when I could borrow them free from the library instead. But after rediscovering all of these gorgeous books, it makes me want to indulge just a little. Perhaps I'll allow myself to purchase one new book every year (which isn't bad considering some months I check out a dozen from a library). Maybe I'll start by replacing my falling-apart-paperback copies of Anne of Green Gables. There's just something so satisfying about a hard-bound, beautiful book.

It's your lucky day - ensuite bathroom

Yeah, okay, so our deadline to finish certain projects without penalty has officially passed. Lame. There was just too much to do in too little time and I don't like to think about it. Regardless of this little snafu, there's still a lot of progress. Kev finished tiling the majority of the shower and the bathroom floor. We're waiting on a cultured marble slab to finish the shower threshold (ordered through my brother, of course) and then the tile will be ready for grout.

So far, it looks amazing. All that shiny, clean, new tile feels good, too. Aspen loves to go in there and touch everything. I like to stand fully-clothed in the shower and imagine what it's going to be like to actually use it.

It's okay the bathroom's not done right now because when I purchased the medicine cabinet (from IKEA) I accidentally bought the wrong color. I didn't figure that out until I almost had the box open the day I decided to assemble it. So yeah. I'm looking on the bright side of our scheduling problems. Who wants a finished bathroom without a mirror/place to store a toothbrush? Not me!

IT'S FARM TIME AGAIN!

Is there anything cuter than a little lamb sunbathing while lounging against its mama? NO. I met up with Amanda and the kids at Wheeler Farm last week and we got to see a sampling of the new baby animals. Well, mostly the other kids. As soon as Aspen and I got to the barn she said, "I'M SCARED OF EVERYTHING!" and once again refused to get out of her stroller.

Thankfully having her friends around loosened her up a bit and she got out of her stroller to feed ducks, see the bunnies and freak out when a rooster walked around a corner. I just love Wheeler Farm. It's so pretty and there's so much to see and now we live so ridiculously close AND THE SUN IS FINALLY WARM.

Amanda helped a lot before we moved by watching Aspen for me and I've felt so overwhelmed with gratitude for her efforts. It's amazing to me that we've reconnected as friends after knowing each other briefly waaaaaaay back in 2003 through mutual friends. And now here we are, spending time together with our kids in tow ten years later. Strengthening existing friendships was something I looked forward to when Kev got a job that required us to move to SL County. I'm thankful I did take advantage of those opportunities even though I felt so miserable while we were in WJ for those 9 months. I guess, more importantly, I should be thankful my existing friends put up with me while I was so miserable in WJ for 9 months!

I mentioned to Amanda how obsessed I am with the idea of Aspen having life-long friends. I don't have any friends from my early childhood (besides my amazing siblings), and I really want Aspen to have that. I want her to be like, "yeah, these are the friends I've had since I was two and now we're going to graduate from high school together" and then she can marry Milo or something. What it boils down to is me wanting her to have people who know her history. People who will remember funny stories about her and tell them to her over and over again. People who will stick up for her and be loyal to her, even if it's just because they know their moms will be disappointed if they don't.

I know, this started as a post about adorable baby sheep and now I'm dreaming of Aspen growing up with best-friends-for-life. Whatever!

Penny's preschool

I put our paint chips to good use creating a matching game for Aspen. It's too bad she liked it because the next morning she accidentally spilled her juice all over it. That's what I get for leaving it on the table. Oh bother.

I just cut paint chips in half and taped one to a blank paper, and the other to a spoon so they'd be easier to pick up. When I realized Aspen wanted to match them face down, I wrote the color names on the spoon, too. We're not learning to spell right now, but I figured it can't hurt to show her the names of the colors.

I've found that scheduling a lot of little activities in the afternoon (like this matching game, then something with beads, then playing trains, then XYZ) helps keep her from feeling all the rage that usually pops up due to sleep deprivation. She chooses when she's done with one activity and then I just move her right along to the next thing.We've also been going to one of the parks right by our house and sometimes bagging any quiet time altogether in the afternoons. Attempting to put Aspen in her room for even 10 minutes seems to be too much for her to handle right now without her sobbing for me to let her out.

So... we're doing what we can to get through this phase of toddler rage. Any tips?