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Monday, October 05, 2015

Good Morning Son (and Daughter)

Original image by me
I've found I don't have much to blog about anymore. When I do have something I want to share, I post it to my Instagram (which is private, and if you're not trying to sell "IT WORKS WRAPS" products, I may consider adding you) so it can be printed in my Chatbooks. I love getting those books in the mail every month! I will definitely keep writing Linc his monthly letters, because I did it for Aspen until she was two and I'll be damned if I fail to finish this project for Linc, too. But other than that, I feel this heavy writer's block and it keeps me from saying much of anything these days.


The other day I was driving to my brother's with the kids and Still Fighting It by Ben Folds came onto my iPod. I started crying behind my sunglasses! Feeling all the emotions!

"I can tell you 'bout today / and how I picked you up and everything changed."

My kids have obviously changed my life. Every day is a struggle of ups and downs and trying not to ruin their lives with my crazy. And this song just gets it. I hope someday they'll be able to forgive me my faults and sit down with me and be my friend when they're grown up. I know I joke a lot about my kids finally growing up and leaving me alone for FIVE MINUTES PLEASE but I do acknowledge that someday I'll miss them and the insanity that is parenting small children.

I'll miss Aspen showing me all her drawings and telling me about all her imaginary friends and the dreams she has. I'll miss Lincoln being obsessed with me and mayyyybe I'll miss the weight of his 30lb baby body in my arms for hours on end when he used to only sleep while held or being bounced on a fracking exercise ball. I'll miss being able to fit both of them in the bike trailer and taking Aspen to and from school while listening to them trying to kill each other behind me. I'll miss checking on their sleep-puffed faces in the middle of the night and tucking their blankets around them a little closer.

And I just constantly worry that I'm screwing it all up and I'm too enabling or not helpful enough or that I yell too often or that I'm not strict enough with certain things or that they'll never learn how to work hard or they'll feel like I ask too much of them or that I'm feeding Aspen too many pop tarts for the love of ALL THAT IS HOLY.

But, tomorrow is always fresh. With no mistakes in it. Yet. Thank you to both Miss Stacy and Ben Folds for giving me some encouragement (and thank you, Ben, for writing an amazing song that calmed my otherwise inconsolable infant for nearly a year when nothing else would do the trick. I still find myself humming it dozens of times every day even when I'm not putting Linc to sleep).

I still remember the day I picked up each of my babies for the first time. Everything changed. And someday they'll fly away from me and I hope I can help them find themselves happy in new nests.

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